when you play the same cd again and again. the one that is sad and tender because you don’t want to get angry over it. it’s like having a friend tell you stories about how sad their life is and you sorta feel better and put things in perspective. i know in time the emotional impact will go away but for now it swells my mind and heart. i feel the need to be expressive. i want to take photos but writing feels as good. it’s not that simple this dictionary never has a word for the […]

no hugs. no arguments. no communication. just empty words spoken without an emotional. i don’t know why she was crying but i guess that tough image that she wants to project isn’t all that. she looked so different in her high heel snake skin boots and classy winter long coat. like she had a total change over in preparation for her return to poland. aceesories of success but i think she knows that i see right through that. like the fact that she was staying with her king fu master double ex that had threaten to hurt […]

i couldn’t bear to see her eyes in any of the photos in the tribute. i got caught in a emotion downward spirl. i stumble upon pictures of her from one of her rolls of film in my ofoto account. seeing her smile and eyes trigger a emotional wave of sadness and joy. so i had to use that energy creatively. anger only leads to the dark side, for that is not the way of the jedi. oh yea, it helps to be listening to the new sigur ros to enjoy the midnight blues.

i am listening to dead can dance’s ‘don’t fade away’ song and i can’t help thinking about her. as much as i feel that i’ve accepted that it’s over in my mind, the emotional response around thoughts of her are still very strong. during the retreat, even as my mind was coming to a resolution that we are not meant for each other at this stage in our lives, my heart sorely ached as visions of her smile dance upon my mind. one of the most pogiant irony during the retreat was when the teacher was talking […]

with a bit of fear and trepredition i am about to embark into a 8 day slient meditaiton retreat. maybe fear isn’t the right word because i am not so sure if it’s the right time in place to put my mind on the proveribal lotus flower. in the context that of what i am going to do after the retreat (a month trip to mexico) and then a very extreme busy year with Orange, the value of the temporary peace may be overshadowed by the activities after the achievement of said peace. granted there is never […]