i am listening to dead can dance’s ‘don’t fade away’ song and i can’t help thinking about her. as much as i feel that i’ve accepted that it’s over in my mind, the emotional response around thoughts of her are still very strong. during the retreat, even as my mind was coming to a resolution that we are not meant for each other at this stage in our lives, my heart sorely ached as visions of her smile dance upon my mind. one of the most pogiant irony during the retreat was when the teacher was talking about the the exact quote i had written down earlier and the mass of emotional/mental confusion spank me like a fly on the windscreen. in essence, in the practice of the dharma, the essence of the teaching is the opening of the heart to the non duality of existence but at the same realize the emptiness of that existence! ironically, during intense periods of meditation, it’s easier to open the heart to non separateness of everything but not be able to wisely recognize the emptiness. so invariably, oceans of raw emotional responses are triggered at the slightest thought. there were numerous occasions where i just wanted to cry with joy or sorrow. sometimes triggered by a thought, other times not triggered by anything i was able to discern.
