no hugs. no arguments. no communication. just empty words spoken without an emotional. i don’t know why she was crying but i guess that tough image that she wants to project isn’t all that. she looked so different in her high heel snake skin boots and classy winter long coat. like she had a total change over in preparation for her return to poland. aceesories of success but i think she knows that i see right through that. like the fact that she was staying with her king fu master double ex that had threaten to hurt her. i felt so sad that she was that angry with me to have to put herself to coming back to someone like him. someone that will buy her nice things and treat her like the trophy that she wants to be. something that i wasn’t good at. i was a cheapo in her book and i didn’t worship the sidewalk that she walk on. well, it’s not all bad but my outlandish “buddhist” beliefs was digusting to her. i almost laughed when her last words to me in a slightly charming degaratory was “have a good buddhist life.” maybe the book i gave her crack her up. the dali lama’s book on love and compassion was a slap in the face of sorts. i wonder if she will have find the poem i wrote in the front cover. i almost doubt it. she probabaly threw it in the trash on the way to her car. so be it. but here what i wrote in the flap:
love is just the beginning
for devoution requires effort
and surrender requires faith
may you have the patience for all three.
i don’t know if it was the last day of our acquintance. it felt very much like it but i know better to think so. i wanted to ask her why she was crying and i guess she sense it and simply reply, “i had a bad day, it’s not you.”. i guess i am suppose to feel better but i feel like she will experience a lot more of that sort of suffering. the sorta of suffering that is inherent when one believes that the world owes you something. to hold on tightly to all those things that we think rightly call ours. our body, our things, our experiences. i should have water down the concept that the more we grasp, the more we lose that which we grasp. but she wanted me to grasp her every being and i was willing to let her walk out of my life without even a hug. everyone wants to be wanted but i couldn’t bring myself to continue to perpetuate what i knew otherwise. even as i sat there and experience my waves of emotions come through me, i told myself that they are only as real as i want to construct my reality around it. maybe i should haven’t said, “i still have strong emotions for you but they’re just illiusions”. yeah, that was real smart. ha ha. that was a kick in the balls if i wasn’t so good at saying the wrong things at the wrong times. no, she doesn’t want to hear that. i felt like shit after commenting on all these concepts that have recently been re instill into my beliefs. i knew it would only distort her understanding of buddhism because it seem so unattached and cold. on a supericifical level, a practicioner’s actions will seem very detached compared to the normal. and people tend to believe that that sense of detachment is to not to be able to experience the world to it’s fulliest. and again, that is the paradox of the path at work. i guess that is why it is very difficult to be romantically involved with someone that have no understanding or even respect of what the path is. to them, it’s a slap in the face to their way of seeing things. so i guess there was a lot of face slapping in this relationship.