when you play the same cd again and again. the one that is sad and tender because you don’t want to get angry over it. it’s like having a friend tell you stories about how sad their life is and you sorta feel better and put things in perspective. i know in time the emotional impact will go away but for now it swells my mind and heart. i feel the need to be expressive. i want to take photos but writing feels as good.

it’s not that simple
this dictionary never has a word
for the way i’m feeling
it’s nothing plain for me
of a different god and moral
what if i laid my head down on your stomach
or put my mouth to your hand
i cannot translate
japanese to english
or english to japanese

what i had to say is unsaid
what i had to do is undone
and if it was done
i’m sure it would have killed our hour

-red house painters, japanese to english

i remember listening to these guys in college and i didn’t get them for a long time. at first i thought they were so whiny and i didn’t appreciate his voice. but maybe after the 100th listen (i was on a 4ad kick and i knew there was a reason Ivo had pick them to be on 4AD), it finally dawn on me. not right away but after seeing them live at Slim’s, i was blow away and understand the pain the guy was going to. i remember when i broken if my college girlfriend at that time and we were both painters fans and listening to the music was so painful. it was like the therpay i needed but at the same time it brought back all these memories of her. sometimes i think we wouldn’t get these kind of music if we didn’t experience suffering. i am sure the need to write songs like these come from those experiences as we are force to channel all that energy of sorrow. it’s pretty cool that you can transform something like your painful experiences into a creative expression.


i spoke to ryan tonight as he was packing and he’s telling me about all the changes he’s going through. new house, new life, new expereinces in a world outside of sf. part of me is envious that he has the wife and cute kid and of course he is envious of my single hood. my freedom. naturally, the irony is that we’re both feel like we’re missing out on something given our state of being. we forget all the good shit that is our life. it seem ages ago since i went on that retreat and remember the simple things. everyday that i don’t medidate i lost sight of that. at the end we were joking about him calling me up for spiritual advice and i almost laughed. so i get the fact that i am more inclined towards spiritual matters but by no stretch should i be dishing out advice. i just usually try to spin things into a postive light when people ask me for my opinion and they think that’s spiritual advice. for me, that just a positive attitude. spiritual actions actually require a lot more effort and re condiditioning then one cares to ask for when one is asking for advice. i guess that’s why i sorta give up with her. the very basis of her view was so disparate from mine that trying to remendy the symptons wasn’t really going to get anyway. a month later, she goes back to thinking the way she used to think about things and i have to start again. shit, i mean i don’t feel that my view towards life is any better than any one else but i’ve taken my “healthiness” as an indictator of if the view reconciles with the present state of being. obviously, if she had her shit together than we could have a more interesting discussion but her ignorance and stubborness makes for fruitless discussions. shit. i need to meditate, it’s too late to be wanking about the past.