a question of time

how long does it take for one to know if that person is the right one? the question may as well be as how long does it take to become enlightened? whether it takes a few weeks or a few years, it comes down to how well do you know yourself. obviously how well you know the other person is equally important but the fact is, if they don’t know their own nature, then your chance of knowing their nature is greatly diminished. so, it’s not surprising that more mature people fall in love in "quicker". i am all fine with falling in love in a quicker fashion but what has really caught me off guard is the responsibilities that comes with total love ™. total love as in i love you and your entire family as well.

it goes without saying that i am trying to embrace it all with a ‘bring it on’ kind of attitude but at the same time there’s a little voice in the back of my head whispering some unflattering thoughts. in reality my part in this great sea of change is fairly minor when i consider all the other people that will be effected by it. as much as most would consider my situation to be most fortunate, i still hold on to the concept that the double edge sword cuts both ways. nonetheless, i am rolling with it and tremendously excited for the future. undoubtedly next year will be a major turning point on many levels. although i am still slightly overwhelmed by the pace of everything, i am always the one preaching about how little time we have left, so bring it on.

 

the drama

i didn’t think i was one for drama but it would seem that i like complicated relationships, given my track record of late. my current situation makes my last drama filled relationship look like preschool. alas, what doesn’t kill you only make you stronger or more stupid. undoubtedly, i feel stupid about the situation because a wise man would not even allow such an opportunity to be stupid. stupid only because it caused considerable harm to a third party not because my feelings about her are stupid. the question for me is what kind of karma have i created for myself with this? i do recall my first ex and how her decision to go out with one of the friends in my circle caused me considerable mental hardship. the question of timing becomes the most interesting aspect to dwell on and it’s not unlike my current situation. i distinctly recall one fine sunny afternoon when i was pretty pissed off and i pack everything she had given me and walk to her apartment across town to make a point. pretty dramatic!! yeah, whatever i guess. so, now being on the other side of the equation, i appreciate the suffering that one can go through about friends and relationship and TIMING. love is as much about the feeling as it is about synchrocity of life. i am sure there are plenty of women i can love because of who they are but i don’t because the paths are not synchronizing. and so, i face a most critical juncture of my life. my mom suggested i think twice about it before doing anything and i joke to her that i will think thrice. the decision i make in the next couple of months will effect not just one other person but an array of little and big people. i should be losing a lot of sleep over this but given that i don’t sleep much, i am just getting white hair instead. a number of friends have advised caution on the matter and justly so. and of course, the one person that suggested i to throw caution against the wind was the one person i thought would not suggest so. as i discuss the matter of various friends, i see how much their own recent experience with women effect the advice they give me. it’s hard to get unbiased advise about these types of matters because most of are so condition by our own limited experience. i know my own biased advice tends to lean towards independence. naturally, a number of folks have given me shit about the recent turn of events in light of my own prophisized agenda of the past years. my rational is that i am not forgoing my path per say but only incorporating it in a larger exercise of being a lover and role model. it’s all part of the path and i was not ever against the possibly of incorporating it in the path but i really didn’t think i could find a partner that would actually participate in the path. so that’s the key factor in it all. anyway, however it pans out, i will undoubtedly be very unreasonable about it all. isn’t that what we went to landmark for?

summer vacation

it’s been a long time since i had a proper vacation but i had a pretty awesome one last week. it was nothing i’ve haven’t done before but the entire exercise was really about who you’re with. if the right lady and a hotel room with a bottle of white wine is all you need to break away from the routine. i was pleasantly happy to not have to think about work or even photography and just enjoy the presence of my company. i went to a new hot spring near portland (breitenbush) that had a similar vibe to harbin but at the end of day, harbin is still my favorite. nothing beats going into 110% hot springs that burn your wimpy ass and plunging into the a cold pool surrounded by the full glory of mother nature. most of the trip was unplanned so it was nice just go with the flow, but that did present some problems as we roam around from hotel to hotel looking for a place to crash very late into the night. like any vacation, it ended much sooner than that it should be but i think we played it ‘hard’ without forcing anything. work hard, play hard, pray hard and we shall sleep in peace.

the great anticipation

to be quite frank, i don’t think i have anticipated anything this much for quite the longest time. maybe it was 5 years ago when i was looking forward to travelling in Asia for 2 months but it didn’t quite make nearly as giddy as i am now. i am trying to transform the experience into a positive phenomenon despite the natural tendency for instant gratification because i am always reminded of what’s missing. i am still a romantic sucker that prefers surprise communication and long letters but technology has made it far too easy for us to be connected. it’s not a bad thing, being about to communicate to each other on a daily basis but there is always an other side to the the picture. i feel like we connect on a physical presence better than the variety of technology enabled channels that we tend to rely on. again, it is neither our fault that we must boh deal with this barrier to communication but the weak do  after the first week. in so as much, i have to wonder the relative strength of our bonding. how strong is strong , what will the other do to manifest beyond the status quo.

Mysteries Of Love

I was listening to another version of the song by antony and the johnsons earlier this morning and it really hit deep inside me. his voice is definitely along the line of a love/hate thing but i am leaning towards love at the moment. the solemnness his voice is tragically poetic and given how i feel about the subject manner, i am feeling like i am on the verge of insanity again.

lyrics for the song…(download the song)

Sometimes
A wind blows
And you and I
Float
In love
And kiss forever
In a darkness
And the mysteries of love
Come clear
And dance
In light
In you
In me
And show
That we
Are Love

Sometimes
A wind blows
And you and I
Float
In love
And kiss forever
In a darkness
And the mysteries of love
Come clear
And dance
In light
In you
In me
And show
That we
Are Love