it’s rather simple of me to just list all the intense and life changing things that have happen to me this year. undoubtedly, it has been my biggest year of change (more like transformation) in the past 5 years and the ride has not even plateau yet. there’s so much that i should have written but the intensity of the experience has left little time left for anything but the experience. unfortunately, as the year comes to a near end, death looms around the corner, forcing us to put everything in perspective. of late, i have witness how much of my daily perspective has been tainted towards the glass is half full sort of mentality. i think the price of this perspective is much higher than i care to admit and i hope to remedy this before it sours more grapes. the source of all these changes and awareness has evoked by my incredible lover. every day, i am become more aware of the monster that my ego has become and how much damage it has done to my friends, family and to my lover. when i lay witness to how much my ego hurts her, i realize how much work i need to do. never have i love anyone so much and never have i hurt anyone as much.
instead of complaining to myself about the fact that i haven’t anything in ages, i thought i focus on something a bit more positive. being the critical bastard that i am, i can’t help but think about all the little things that make something less than “perfect”. the irony is that i am not a ‘perfectionist’ by nature but just a sloppy critic that gets no where with my criticalness. alas, i will be making a violent effort to change my vocabulary by removing the word ‘but’ out of my daily usage. the word is a passive aggressive way for me to be critical and i think it’s doing more damage than i have ever care to think about. anyway, it’s time to move to a more positive outlook on life and it begins with words.
it is almost regrettable that i am unable to find the time to get lost in my smoked filled mind. the bright side of not finding to time to write about it is actually experiencing it. like the great masters like to say, don’t read books on meditation and just do it. although i am not exactly on that groove of action, this summer has been unusually fun and sexy, filled with a wide spectrum of experiences. my lovely lover has lead me away from the path of work, back to the path of living. within 4 weeks, we will experience each other on a daily basis. it is the next level of our relationships and i gleefully excited about it. a friend was asking me about the state of the relationship and again, i was unable to verbally convey the appropriate level of emotional significance. admittedly, it is a fairly consistent behavior whether it is with my lover or with my self directed career. i know that i feel passionate about things but it’s not readily apparent to most people.i don’t know if my passion will ever find it’s voice but it’s way too late tonight to find it in words.
the grateful one remembers that he is living in one of the greatest cities, doing what he loves, loving the greatest love, and is on the path to transcendence. he can not ask for anymore but to give back that was never his.
my arrogance got a good spanking recently. it gets away too with much when it’s used to being in control and right in some sick way. generally, i don’t think don’t pretend to know about something that i have little experience or knowledge with. but it would seem that through my astute observation of my own upbringing and being around kids from my immediate family, i had develop a rather one sided opinion on the nature of child rearing. although i have apologize to her about the matter, i feel like the biggest ass about the manner and i hope she forgives me. that was only one opinion in a plethora of ill informed opinions that have recently overturn by the council of friends at large. to would be prudent for me to seek the advice of the ‘council’ before i form the opinion but without direct experience, i don’t think i would necessarily give that much weight into their opinions as well. unlike Buddhist logic, wisdom developed through direct experience with multiple sources of indirect reference would naturally be stronger than either methods alone. and so as i have more conversations with a variety of friends, it begins to dawn in me that i have a very special relationship and i am frequently wrong. my saving grace is my admittance of to the facts and she rocks my world.