during one of the group interviews at the retreat, the teacher was talking about judgin g the value of the retreat and i was thinking to myself about how i had pretty much written of the retreat. naturally, i was told not to have any expectations about the retreat but it’s inevitable. the key element would be not to be attached to the expectation. needless to say, i was in the 3rd day and even though outwardly i seem pretty stable (as in posture and stillness), my mind wander like a ghost looking for a lost love. […]

i successfully failed yesterady in my bid for 40 days of simple intergrity. granted it wasn’t intentional but then again, some say that neither is love. and so in the midst of a glorious wedding adventure, the absentedness of thought deliever the fatal blow of destorying my own vows. alas, it was only 2 sips of wine but because i was not present, i totally had forgotten that i had taken a vow. all through out last week, i resisted numerous approraite opportunities to have just a little sip but i remain steadfast. in light of my […]

it’s been barely a week since i’ve started my no substance fast and i am already beginning to mark the days. for some reason i feel like it should be easy but there have been some small challenages already. the reality is that anytime you take something away such as the free will to do whatever, there will be habitual reactions to make the first phase of the withdraw period challenaging. i always use my example of fasting for 10 days as an attestment to my will power. still, it’s hard now to imagaine the suffering that […]

in the face of addiction, sometimes one must go cold turkey to reset the system. i’ve decided to try a new experiment in self discipline in fasting from substance enjoyment for the next 40 days. apparently, the good christians do this on an annual basis so it’s no big deal but it will be my first. actually, i need to corrindate this with a food fast sometime in the next 40 days as well so that the system gets a real nice reset. the ironic thing is that most days, i don’t even have my first bite […]

instead of meditating right now, i am going to take some time to procastinate and find the nature of my monklessness. it would seem easy enough to meditate given that it cost me anything except some precious time. it’s obvious enough that my yoga practice is greatly assisted by my yoga buddy and fine women of the establishment. and so i am only left with lame excuses for why i haven’t meditated in x months. i know it’s my racket because it’s a constant complaint and the only loser is me. fundmentally, i am so far from […]