I guess before the month of dec of 2014, i didn’t write much either. i found a google doc with only about 5 entries so not super productive year. i am debating if i should set a goal of writing X amount of entries this year. for some reason it’s funny how i always like to set some numerical goal when i start a new habit and overtime, the numerical value loses value. it’s like you use the numerical value as a handicap until you no longer need the handicap. for the addictive mind like mine, it likes the addiction of numerical nonsense. so when you begin to embody what this new habit feels like on an everyday experience, then you understand what is really missing when the embodiment isn’t in the body. two really good examples from this past year has been running and yoga. when i got 3-4 days without those things, i really feel it in my body and it really motivates me to go reclaim it. mentally, you start thinking about the next time window that you can schedule this experience. that’s when you know the new habit really got a whole of you. it’s not like a drug addiction where you think about the next high you want. i think i finally got the idea of embodiment tonight. the body is the source of being.

it’s been about month since i went on the leadership training retreat in colorado and i had the chance to check in with the business coach. even though i didn’t expect too much out of the trip, i think it was still beneficial in framing how to put all my efforts together in a sort of unified theory of spiritual, physical and mental well being. i must say that the past month since i got back into yoga at lunch and keeping my momentum going with exercise between biking and running and even walking jonsi quite more often is making a real tangible presence in my being. even my desire for woman company has dwindle quite a bit and i have pretty much given up the online dating game. for now, there are two a few remaining habits which i would like to work on more next year:

  • spending less money in biz/personal on discretionary
  • developing a more regular reflection practice of my daily behavior (reflect log, stuff from diamond cutter)
  • tracking of the new habit that i want to embody (maybe development of emotional intelligence)
    how to deepen the mediation practice

i went to a meet up tonight and i decided that i want to be over looking for someone. I realize it’s not a great motivation to go deeper into the path of turning inwards but i know all these external signs are telling me something. the sooner i give up this fruitless quest, the sooner i will face myself in the dark. i know i keep running away from who i want to be. i fill it with being wanting to be a better boss/better dad and better lover. but knowing and wanting is not enough. what ACTION/habit do i need to practice to be even more home with myself. i need to look more INWARD.

i was thinking about goals a few minutes ago and i thought to myself, if i was more goal oriented about my life, what would my life look like. and the i realize it looks a lot like what i have now already. which begs the question, if i really need to be MORE goal oriented when i have ‘achieved’ what i wanted without being all the borderline obsessive goal concept. even getting back to yoga this past week by going to it during lunch was just a great expression of the freedom i enjoy. well, i know it won’t less so i need to shift my gear in replanting the seeds of positive karma. that is to say to start serving others the true vehicle to fulfillment. it’s so funny how paradoxical the bare naked true, our original nature, is there but the directional search for it is in the very opposite direction. know thyself. when we are all connected, this is where the magic of life happens. just think of how amazing the human body is because all the cells are connected in such mysterious ways. what would be possible if we all experience that same level of connectedness as our cells. it’s been quite an amazing year since i came back from india. although i didn’t intend india to anything significant, it still turn out to be a fairly noticeable marker in my life. like the day i walked out at genetech and note that my professional life will ‘never’ be the same. by being away from orange for an extended period where there were no ‘fires’ to put out was an attestment to what i had built. enough supporting strutures for me to let go. it’s by no means a stable yet high performing system but being about to think about growth instead of surviving was really exciting. and so with all these new experienes i was exploring with vistage, the sangha was new grounds for me. like i was finally growing out out of my stay at home in my underpants days. not that i wanted to leave that stage per say but this new stage seems a richer/deeper.

Finished newco’s training workshop last week and even though the techniques were rudimentary, i am sure the exercise help the practice none the less. yet more reasons why i need to dig deeper into the practice and embody the practice in my daily life. so here’s my actions points from the workshop:

distraction free meetings
more walking meetings
no devices in bedroom
no laptop on kitchen counter
yoga once a week/no meat once a week
big project debrief
quarterly solitude retreat
boundaries for communication expectation
research better weekly pulse

it’s the last full day of the retreat and undoubtedly, it a much needed tune up for my mind and soul. i am still resisting it the treatment to some degree and my mind still wanders of into work world all too often. regardless, i was able to find my rigpa again and it was a nice reassuring aspect of the retreat. i had wonder if i had lost the ablity to connect to rigpa given that i was so out of practice. i still vividly recall the pointing out instructions that was given to recognize my rigpa and without doubt that moment was the turning point in my mediation practice. i feel very very fortunate to have been introduce to the practice because i can imagaine still struggling with the point of meditation even after 15 years of exploring the path. as for the teachings in this practice, my mind was resistant to rincophe’s teaching i must admit. of course part of the teaching is to let go of the expectation of a strutured format. i realize that it’s my ego at work wanting to be more advance and etc while the teaching was aimed a mixed level of people. i am working on letting go of the expectation and yet i am already thinking about my next retreat format. i simply need more meditation, probably less teaching for now. i am thinking just a personal 2 week retreat where i am meditation most of the day can be the next milestone.

two more notable aspects of the retreat came from medidating mostly oustide and tasting a bit of the great emptiness teaching. there were a bunch of excuses my mind made up for wanting to mediate outside and it worked more effectively for me for sure. i know it’s sort of a handicap because i think it helps me concentrate better/makes me less drowsy but for now, i will take all the help i can get. i guess it’s like using the cushion as well. all the help at this beginning stages should be use to build more conviction for the path. what is the tase of emptiness? for now, i understand why the first taste of it comes through meditation. a book i was reading at the retreat went into details about the 8 states of consicoius and how the construct of reality is built upon those sensory consicoius. in short, i was able to witness the cessation of the construct of reality within the medidtaiton practice. which is to say, i was able to liberate some of the sensory cosnciusous as they enter my mindstream. my thought patterns are still very strong and although i was able to let them go easier now than eariler in the week, i can tell they weren’t liberated in the same manner as the sensory conciousness.

sept 28th

started reading the monk the sold his ferrai, novel about the need for personal transformation and i felt inspired to recollect my past year. the story starts with a successful lawyer going to india to find his true self. i remember thinking that i wasn’t going to india for those same reasons, as in that i knew what i need to do already. still, i can’t help but think that even though i understand what I SHOULD do, i am unable to live fully live in that type of being. like i am missing some sort of great tradegy to force me to throw my entire deck out. now, i feel like i am holding on to the comfort deck and playing rounds a few rounds of a ‘spirutual’ life every blue moon. it’s been in the back burner for over 20 years now. it’s a tired old joke to myself. of course now my excuse is that i don’t want to be what my father did to me and leave my little tiger. still, i do really enjoyed it tonight when she meditated with me. the answer is pretty simple, so i just need to figure out how to build on the habit of serving others. maybe it starts with building my meditation foundation and i hope that doesn’t take too long before i can serve deeper to others. everything is where it should be as long as i can maintain the aspiration of service and the wisdom of patience. one doesn’t needed some dramatic external crisis to transform, although these are the ones that make the headlines. quietly, i come home to being more present and from there, let the flow of life that it’s natural course.

what does a life that i think i am building towards look like?

i am present, a lot. more often than not. not all the times but enough to know when i am off being present and not the other way around. in this state of being, i wake in up ithe morning around 6am, stretch as i make my morning tea. after a few minutes of the perfect cup of tea, i sit down to meditate for about an hour. the i take the dog out for a 10-15 min walk, enjoying the morning dew and soft sunlight.