writings from india

thoughts on quiet, on plane
started reading quiet by susan cain on my way to amsteram. i hadn’t thought much about the manner of if i was an introvert or ambivert but it’s more obvious after reading a few chapters. in the context of my own inquiry into the type of leader i wanted to be, it has also provided me with reassurance that i am taking the approraite path into leadership development. that is to say, i should continue to listen to my intutiuon yet figure out out to ‘stretch’ beyond my natural limits. it would seem that most of my life, i had to rely on my own internal compass of developement. the grading system of academic studies didn’t suit me well and my short stint in corporate america provided little exposure to managers that help me grew professionally. alas, even in the vistage group, as beneficial as it has been, there is little direct feedback on ‘growth’. i suspect that my leadership growth feedback mechanics will mean less as i delve into spiritual practice. at this point, it’s more relavant to find a teacher, which is luckily not one of my ‘goals’ in india.
to be honest, i am not as intensely interested in ‘seeing’ india as i am more excited about the idea of breaking out of my daily routine. undoubtedly the visual feast that india has to offer will keep me preoccupied during the days but i hope to find that quiet time to think about how my forties will be different. this trip is definitely a culmiation of the foundation building that i’ve been doing for quite some time now. with the foundation set, more interesting options lay before me. it’s quite evident tha tthe act of me making list has been fruitful for me. the last few years have been an interesting experiement in data collection and list management as a way to be more ‘productive’. it has certainly work to help create some new habits like meditation and running. it has serve it’s purpose well but i also know that it’s a handicap that i will outgrow at some point. accordingly, i will continue to make more lists and goals and my time india will hopefully provide the cauldron to produce more interesting items on these lists.

The first day
I didn’t get a lot of sleep last night. Probably crashed about about 5am and woke up around 8am. Turns out I can hear my neighbors like we’re camping right next to each other. Pretty much since I landed, it has been an exercise of letting go of my expectations. It’s been a long time since I’ve felt like I was so little in ‘control’ of everything. Travelling can do that to you and compound that with the craziness that is india, well, it’s an reeducation on what people can endure on a daily basis. It’s downright amazing.
Anyway, I hit a couple of the ‘top’ tourist spots as recommended by lonely planet but to be honest I was just going through the motions. Wasn’t particularly excited to see india’s biggest moquse or the red fort but time had to be passed. It’s quite evident that I am not really in the mood to be a tourist. I was more exercised about running a lot and meditating more while I was here. After reading the Quiet book, I am just I understand myself better. Even though I could ‘deal’ with the craziness today, I just much wanted to do something more ‘relaxing’. So, it became real apparent that I checked myself into an ashram in rikesh. I didn’t even really feel like picking up the camera either but again, I was going through the motions and it feel so passionless. Visually, it was really too much to absorb. There was so many ‘interesting’ things that everything became the same. Like I was replaying all the images that I have ever seen of india and I am asking myself why do I want to take the same picture. Anyway, I am probably just jetlagged and not really in the mood for anything. I wanted to run so badly but there is no concept of a sidewalk here and it would be even more stressful to run as I am trying to duck obstacles every couple of feet. Walking several miles was sufficient enough today.
Crashed hard last night at 7pm but got up today to mediate around 6am. Feel much better today after an excellent night of sleep. I don’t think I sleep that well for a long time without being stoned! I am really looking forward to rikshesh tomorrow but going to wrap up the delhi experience today. Recognizing the introvert that I am, I think the thing that over stimulates me the most is all the consistent honking of horns. I don’t mind the busyness and the poverty all around me but the noise gets to me and I want retreat into some sort of sanctuary. Anyway, time to book my airbnb room and get some breakfast.

I must of started about 5 books since I got on the plane to india. I couldn’t resist not reading eat, pray and love and it’s a nice read considering the context of my journey. as a memoir of self-discovery, it proposes some interesting questions for me to consider on this journey. the questions juxtapose with the insights gain from ‘Quiet’, provides a good needle for probing the self. Know thy self says the wise ones. First, the question of what makes jack happy when he is alone? Without any obligations to relationships, family, work and all those other obligations that one has with responsibility. Unfortunately, it is not a particularly interesting question because it’s about what makes ME happy. the ego clinging question that is the source of suffering. The more interesting question is what brings me balance so that I can follow the path as set out my the dharma. Invariably, that’s why we take these types of journeys/vacation. We work too hard at making that which is samaras a tolerable or enjoyable experience and we use these experiences to try to rectify the in balance. In that regard, the last few years has felt more balance for me and this particular trip didn’t feel as ‘necessary’, only that I wanted to just do it. More of a celebration of success than a desire to get away from work. I am trying to frame this journey into something more meaningful without have set expectation. There is very little desire to just be a tourist or that interesting photos for that manner. It’s sort of what’s expected when you travel to an exotic location. I really should have a month long meditation retreat but that’s another story. Hopefully, I can still do a retreat right after xmas in legget. That’s the plan to get that sort of balance in. I am naturally tempted to do some sort of meditation retreat but I am suspecting that I will take some sort of yoga retreat in rishliesh. I think if anything, I will have finished 5-6 books, written about 15-30 pages of thought, mediated double than what I normally meditate and run as much as I normally run and I would consider it as baseline of worthwhile journey. any other things and experiences will be gravy on top of it all.

Rishkesh
It’s 730am and I am at the restuarnt in riskesh after 8 hour bus ride from delhi. Probably got about 2 hours of sleep considering the roads are barely roads here I am being thrown around not a pop corn in a hot kettle. It was nice to see the ‘sunrise’, although there was really no sun to see. i always enjoy seeing dawn I have the chance and I am hoping there will be a lot that while I am in india. The airbnb cottage that I booked is up on a hill and it overlooks the river. Already the air and energy feels more my pace and I am looking forward to ‘experiencing’ it as oppose to running around doing the tourist thing that I did in delhi. As manner of fact, I just went with the whole turk turk rent a driver tour for half a day and he obviously lead me to a bunch of interesting places and of course the full selection of overpriced restaurants and hand crafted bazaars. Luckily in india, even the overpriced places are well within my ‘budget’ sort of speak. I think I am so used to be so frugal about travelling in the old days where i travelled on shoestring budget. Being older and a little better off, I am adjusting to not freaking out by being ‘scammed’ so much because in the grand scam of things, it’s not worth stressing over. I mean the indian gov’t charges foreigners 10x the amount it charges the locals to go to the museum, so it’s not unreasonable to allow the locals to ‘take’ advantage of us poor foreigners that can travel like this. Certainly, if you wanted deals, then there are great deals to be had but compared with travelling in europe, I just don’t money to be the monkey on my back.
Ah, the sun is finllay showing it’s beatiful smile over the river. It’s glorious feeling. Something that I didn’t quite get at all in delhi in my ‘windowless’ room. Yes, I can check off another quiet victory of writing in the journal while I watch the sunrise and smelling the scent of X permenating the cool air. Somehow the cacophony of honks aren’t as bad while the monk’s chant float in the background. Yes, this is an introvert fully enjoying my restorative sanctuary
I got to meet my Airbnb host this morning when she came to the hotel to get me since I was a bit lost on getting to the right entrance for the cottage. I have to admit I was a bit smitten by her presence. Her European accent while wearing ashram style clothing was a double whammy for me. Alas, I hope to just enjoy a little of her presence on this journey to remind me that I still being around woman quite a bit. My divorce has not taken all the joy out of me, although I must say, I am still fairly cautious for numerous reasons. More on that subject when I am less tired. The warmth of the morning sunlight and digistive powers of muesli have expediate my desire to vacate this glorious spot.

Nov 12
I m checking out today and going camping tonight and the rafting tomorrow. It feels a bit indulgent for $2500 rupees but then rishihesh has been my ‘vacation’ within the journey. haven’t done much sight seeing here, just really experiencing it for what it is. Eating veggie meals, running, doing yoga and meeting travelers. Definitely a most relaxing 3 days, I sort of dread ‘travel’ days between cities since I’ve over packed big time. I am going to have to dump a bunch of stuff in the mail when I get into dharmalsa. I feel totally riducious carrying the shit that I am. I could have probably cut my weight in half if I wasn’t such a greedy packer.
Anyway, after more reading and complemention, I’ve decided what the next chapter of my life needs to be about. In short, it’s ‘seva’, which is ‘selfless service’, which needs to happen on the personal as well as on the business. i’ve taken some baby steps these past years and I would like to increase my activities around it considerably. Hopefully, I can get to writing the orange manifesto while I am here. Yes, it would be appropriate for me to make ‘bold’ changes at this point in the business. I think the with our semi financial success and metric driven introspection, now would be an opportune time to introduce more meaningful activities and less dollar driven metrics. I still find that dollar metrics should be there but it should not be a goal but a by product of personal and profesisonal growth with everyone.
As for my own spiritual development, I think I have come to terms with the concept of the bridge. In hindsight, I have always been on the fringe of most groups. In school, the fringe of the nerds and jocks, never feeling at home with either camp. Between two cultures and certainly between ‘two’ families or lack there of. Between marriage and being single now. I’ve walk theses paths not feeling at ‘home’ probably because I didn’t understand that my home was being in the middle. And so the next chapter, is being the bridge between material success and spiritual realization. Which is my level 6 executive role! Haha, my ego is helping me along it for now but I think this approach will keep me engaged for the next 20 years. One third work, one third spiritual development and one third ‘selfless service’ would be the ideal pillars. Although I have to wonder where does fatherhood/relatioship fall under? Probably as part of the spiritual and seva pies.

Dharamsala
Okay, I thought the bus ride to rishekesh was bad after 10 hours. But somehow the 16 hour ride on windy roads to Dharamsala didn’t seem all that bad for some reason. Found a decent hotel room with a nice view. Cheaper than rishkesh’s joint but none the less charming. Had a quick video chat with uma but she seem a bit tired. Even these very brief chats with her has been endearing to me. I miss her dearly for sure. I was surprise to see a few people with children tiny bit older than uma’s age on my trip so far. I hope to give her the gift of an expansive view when she is growing up. Anyway, I’ve read the bulk of eat, pray and love by now and oddly enough, the word that she finds on her journey, is very much the conclusion that I come to terms with myself. The main question becomes if we find ourselves in balance within those spheres of expressions.

Nov 17th
Time is flying back here for some reason. Was super tired yesterday after doing the trail run on the whim. I don’t think I realize what I was getting into but then again, it was the unique experience that I was looking for. I think my style of travel is more the lines of doing things at a fairly slow pace and almost being about to enjoy all the things I enjoy doing back at home. Like the best of being at home and traveling into one.

Nov 19
The last couple of days have found myself fallen really hard to the lazy comfort zone. Stay up late watching hbo series, sleeping in, barely doing any of ‘work’ and not even reading. In short, quite directionless right now, feeling bad that I am over indulgencing on selfish endeavors. Yeah, I am pretty sure I won’t be taking any more extended vacation by myself anymore. I feel very much over being a tourist in exotic places. It’s nice background if I am doing something and if I am with someone but the way I am doing it right now, has little appeal left. Even going around taking photos, my heart isn’t into it anymore. I though t I could reignite my love for photography but at the end of the day, just being a tourist photographer doesn’t mean much to me know. I still certainly enjoy travelling and adventure but as a shared experience it has much more meaning to me. I look forward to when I can take uma anywhere with me. To show her the diversity of the work and the blessings that we have. And so I hope she will want day ask, with all these blessings, what I have I done with my life?