in the course of a day at work, there are probably hundreds of things i don’t like doing and maybe 5 or 10 that i actually enjoy that particularly day. interesting enough, the 5 things that i may enjoy one day can be on the list of dislikes the other. yes, sometimes i dislike photography and tonight would be a fine example of that case. more often than not, the kind of the photography i do the majority of the time is genearlly not much more than fodder for a photo blog. and then there are times when i like the strategizing and resource management of the business. i think it so funny that line between great failure and great success seems to get thinner as the months go by. one of the recent noteable teachings that been recurring quite often in my mind is the concept of non binding to likes and dislikes. i do think it’s a particalurly powerful exercise in many ways. for example, my ego complains to me when i have to take out the trash in the office or some other low level tasks. but on the other hand, the ego also enjoys the humility of the experience of being about to take out the trash in your own studio. anyway, all this thought about dislike and like has invoke the demons of self analysis. demons aren’t fun before bedtime.
it’s been a while but it’s not for lack of trying. a couple of deleted entries didn’t make the light of day because being medicated means everything becomes more amplified. and so what brings me to this magic hour when 5 or more free mix drinks barely gets me going enough to force me out of the office by 10pm. the gig tonight reminded me of the time when i when to the party in the guieghiem which typical in NY fashion about 10x more interesting. i can imagine why it would be hard to leave NY if i ever went. if there was any gig that i could interesting conversations it would have been tonight but i refrained again. so after a couple rounds with the smoking tower, i thought about powerful my future path effects me now. well, it could be misconstrued as matters of principle but regardless of underlying marrow, the conflict exists because of the aspiration. the disparity only tears away at the soul during these nights of quiet desperation. the soul digs deeper and deeper to find belief beyond logic.
i was observing my behavior the other day after yoga class and i was trying to understand the nature of my subtle wryness towards group bondage. i as i watch my friend connect with other yogis after class, i observe my own lack of interest in reaching out into the community. it’s nothing entirely new to me because as far back as i can trace to my childhood days, i don’t think i ever felt comfortable being identified with any group. i was never smart enough to be on the hi q team nor was i ever Asian enough to endure racism. move forward into college and it’s all the same thing again. i would dabble in social groups such as college radio junkies or business clubs but all on a pretty marginal level. the story continues to this day as it relates to my career choice and spiritual inclinations. so at this point, the story has become so in grain that i don’t even think about the fact that i don’t make any marginal effort to be part of a community of like minded people. there’s quite a number of forces at play here but the end result is pretty much the same. sometimes i debate if i should make an honest effort to reverse this type of behavior but at the end of the debate, the inertia of patterns overwhelm any other active choices.
minor progress was made over this week in the realms of the pratice but it is not worthly of noting unless it further advances the practice and not the ego. even in it’s limited practice, the subtley of the material benefit is not unnoticed. and so, after reading a bit of the blur’s notes on the gita, i found an approraite quote from one of the priceless texts that i still have left in my possesion, the words of my perfect teacher by patrul rinpoche.
“You may guide others once you have realized emptiness and developed clairvoyance.
You may work for their benefit once for your own benefit there is no more left to do.
You may perform the transference for the dead once you have entered the path of seeing. ”
one of the wondeful beauty for tibetan buddhism is the depths of practice. no wonder the vows of the bodhisatta requires endless commitment to the benefit of all beings for countless lifetimes.
i saw a double header last night, broken flowers and mysterious skin, both dealing with the past and the importance of “completing” or in layman’s term’s, coming to terms with it. it wasn’t as much as good entertainment per say but then again, i have ultra motives these days when i watch movies by directors that i respect. while one part of me is trying to enjoy the movie from a entertainment (break from work point of view), the always working part of me is analyzing the scenes in terms of composition, lighting and mood. it’s not so much that i expect to fully appreaciate these staged scenes with a mere single viewing but i am just allowing my subconscious do all the work and i suspect it will resurface at some at point in my life. in some respect, i am more actively defining my influenences through movies since i rarely have time for the musemum or proper art history research.
speaking of, i had the chance to enjoy a throughly excellent exhibit at sfmoma recently; a collection of artists influence by the surrealist movement. no doubt it one of my favorite movements but then again, i don’t know that many movements in general. regardless, i know what i like and matters dealing with the subconscioius, dreams, the organic will invariably interest me. undoubt, david lynch is a surrealist filmmaker and hence my deep apprecaition for his work. anyway, i was significantly inspired by the exhibit and dare thought about some of my own ideas that i will explore at some point in my short life. as usual, my art confidant and i had much to discuss – from what inspired us to when was the last time we cried. we left each other company only after two sake bottles and that was also an attestment to where we were at.
anyway, returning to the matter of the past revisted, i am invariably return to the matter of my mother. to be honest, even if i did ‘complete’ with her, i can’t imagine our relationship would return to any state of normalacy. at best she will know that i forgive her and love her as she is. at best she will forgive me for being the bad son. and then what, i will talk to her once or twice a year and we will talk about matters of insignificance. last i recollected, i had lunch with her at a chinese restauant in philadelphia many years ago and i had left the restauarnt wondering about the nature of my karma that would lead to my current state of affairs. to be honest, since i am in the center of all my estrange relationships with my family members, i must have major karma issues to work out in this life time. sometimes i think that i should feel more guilty about the whole business but there’s a part of me lacks the ability to feel remorse in matters of my own karmic doing. the past is the past and the reconsitution of my karma starts tonight again and again.