i read a some buddhist text last night and for the longest time, i’ve avoided reading spiritual books in general. i felt such a great disparity between my current reality and the aspirations of the text. so after reading last night, i am reminded that my strategy deferment is fundamentally flawed. meanwhile, i am starting up the story in my head that i am entering my 40th year of existence and i feel like i am way behind on ‘achievements’. In my head, there is a stage of contentment fulfilling achievement that will allow me the time to live a ‘more’ alive/authentic life. i know that’s bullshit but i can’t help falling into its fallacy. so as i enter the ‘mid life’ crisis story, the deep yearning is to break out of this cycle of habits and focus on revealing the ‘true’ self. this is the small window i have to act. forces of my old habits will swept me easily back into my work routine and other great distractions. the only saving grace is trying to be a ‘great’ father. so a tad less selfish than the round of hose to the grind work cycle. the question and answer are clear as day yet my lack of discipline utterly destroys the motivation of truth.
