bad english. bad communication. bad leader. thank goodness i will be retiring from this life for trying to be good. will there be days when you actually are worse than the shit that you think you are. that’s putting it rather incompletely and unflattering. it does make me want to give up sometimes. to realize how much effort it takes to be just bad. you would like to think that people appreciate it but at the end, like the good parent that has spoiled their kids, you will just hang you head and ask was it all worth it. the gut reaction is resounding yes but do we ever really consider the opportunity cost of the path of reproduction. at best, you get sent to a nice nursery home and see your grandkids twice a year. you will still die alone. yeah, it’s nicer than dying alone in an alley way on a hot summer night while the world is celebrating it’s greatness. not only am i bad, i’ve been pretty twisted of late. alternating between great in decisions and pathological terrorism. i need a vacation from this lack of sleep and dreamless nights.
well, that enough for me feeling sorry for myself. after reading some of my performance reviews from a number of the employees, i’ve come to realize i’ve been the major obstacle in taking the organization to the ‘next’ level. hard work got us to where we are but at this point, effective leadership is what is required to take it to the next level. after a brief listen of daniel goleman’s ‘primal leadership’ audio book, it’s readily apparent that this is a critical area of improvement that i need to really focus on. i guess regardless of if we actually find a ‘better’ leader, it’s inevitable that i will be at in a leadership role in some capacity, whether it be 2 people or a company of 30. to be more fair, my emotional intelligence is definitely an inconsistent quality that at the end of the day leans towards needing much improvement. in theory, spiritual practice should cultivate emotional intelligence but given my level of practice, i have not made any real progress in the last 5 years of being in the role. ultimately, although i would like to focus on the more creative aspect of the process, i must deal with the inevitability of my professional development and embrace the skills required to be a effective leader. i think for the longest time i have denied that my emotional energy effected affects other people quite considerably. when i consider the context that people look up to me on occasions, i’ve have been irresponsible with how i deal with my emotions and in turn created a low morale environment. that would be the quick and short analysis but i think that it’s mostly accurate. from another point of view, we have not created an intentional space to bring the best out in people. it’s hard to admit but i think i am beginning to come to terms of my responsibility and power. the realm of the business, the art and the spirit are not separate. this i know intellectually but have yet to actualize it in practice. i think i want to write a manifesto. maybe my editor can help me and it would be a great starting point in an interesting dialogue with everyone else. god, if only i didn’t need to sleep.