there will come a time again when i am not so dismissive of the concept. and i hope i have an opportunity to return to this post during those times. the will be yet another time when i will believe everything will be not just alright, but exceedingly bright. when i will cry my fullest and laugh my loudest again. but these days are not mark by anything significant but the toils of a promoised land. in failure or success, the toil will bring about irrersviable change. but for this present moment, let me comptemplate on the nature of chemistry.
it is the chemistry (note to myself – remember to take more photos next time) that drives out all fear and brings forth childish hope. the hope that once we submit to the all persavive state of mind and heart that we will have finally come home. like we have finally realize the truth that has always been there when submit ourself beyond ourself. naturally, it’s all true. for a while anyway. so the wise ones speak of. for a while, we gone making plans of how much greater of a life we will lead when the bond of love becomes the pillar of our purpose and strength. for a while, there is nothing further from the truth. but why does the truth change as the river run deeper? is it because at some point we finally realize what we really wanted and we decided to compromise at some point? but if the point of the concept of love is to let go of the ego, then what happens when the ego remainds us that live is too short for compromises? so i beg of myself, what is an acceptable compromise and what is short changing your true nature? i can only imagine how difficult it was for my father to come to his own realizations. to find the strength to leave his wife and kids for the ‘right’ reasons? in hindsight, was it the right decision? yes, he is happier but his sons don’t talk to each other even though they live 40 mins away from each other. i can see how the concept of right and wrong is fruitless if we were to analyze these phenemons on that level that most adults operate on. but i can guess this much, there is a truth greater than love and family. and that is sufficient for me to believe in him. it is true that i am quite proud of my father and the example that he has left for me. we will never speak of it i dear say. sometimes i wonder if he will ever intellectually ever know, but in his heart the truth should reside. it torments me sometimes that i will not have my hollywood scene with my father but what really disrupts me is my denial of my own mother. this is something in my life that i must come to terms with. have i let her go too prematurely and too casually? what a callous son i am. my karma will have served me well when i have look upon my own grave and find only friends. i should hope that my friends and lovers will have known me well enough to celebrate in my passing. but only they should only celebrate for a little while because i should hope that i may have been fruitful in that relevant sort of way. alas, i must not dwell too much upon such ego centric fanasties for that is all i have done up to this point in my life. there is too much to do and i know i must let go of that as well.
i had one of those awakward male moments today. it’s difficult enough for guys to express their emotions but to actually express it to another guy is close to a farce. i mean, i don’t mean the type of expression where guys in in some state of celebratory or drunken state and it’s all too easy to say how much we love being around each other. i for one have a natural gift of crushing any talk of close companisionship with my male cohorts. for me the unspoken word is the greater bond. many will argue with me that everyone needs to hear it sometimes. and i will not argue against that line of thought. for the finger pointing to the moon is not the moon. and so the masters teach us to listen to the inner truth, not those expressions succeptible to change and corruption. for all the beauty of the relative truth, the colors of fall will pass into the midnight of winter.