it’s difficult to phantom that such an attitude can exist but it seems rather prevalvant to people that can even think on that level. it would seem also like a low self esteem issue that i sabtoage my own success because that level of achievement would result in the corruption of the movitation. any persons that question the basis of normal constructs in the meduim of thier expression would have to confront this issue at some point. it’s easy to accept that success is simply a valiation of that that conceptual risk that manifests but at what point does the auxillay devices of success begin to influcence the manifestation? whether one is a lama or oscar winning actor, the same conceptual forces are at play. as i forge ahead in this endevaor known as a business to most people, i am at constant tension on what it means to deal with these influences. how much of an elisitist will i become because of the success of the concept beyond the financial level. i don’t have to be an asshole to become tiresome as being elistist is sufficient in itself. so in that respect, failure is a success in not having to deal with those natural phenomenas that are constantly being reenforced on a day to day level. it’s more of an interesting experience having to deal with success by standard definitions but it seems like a forgone conclusion when it comes from having being on the other side of the fence. if i had to ask myself how many times i had question classical successful definitions, i would tend to lean towards unsuccessful defintions not for the sake that unsuccessful manifestations are anymore right but there is a purity of ignorance that makes unsuccessful definitions simply more digestable.
back track 4 hours earlier before a bottle of wine and the most excellence meal for the month of december. i am walking home from yoga and i finally got around to inviting the yoga princesses to the party. it was a pretty silly series of motions but alas, it was better to fail trying than regret not waiting half an hour past yoga to talk to her. i pretended to shop around the nieghbor and of course i got some bread and premium sake as props before returning to the studio. i did have an eureka moment when i purchased the sake because i realize how fucking silly it was of me to spend money just to past the time. sure, i wanted the sake that tasted like peaty single malt scot but the point that dawn on me as i am cursing myself out on the stroll back home. i am cursing myself because part of me thinks it is so ridicioius to waste my time to persue such marginally fruitful exercise in light of such an apathetic attitude towards woman. it’s basically a half ass position that wakes up once a week and wonder why my emotional life is so dry. and then it’s overwhelming non attached mind swoops down and kicks the living ass out of the needy emotional distraction. so, if she comes this friday, then i am in trouble but i prefer the status quo just because i am not really ready to being silly again. there’s too much mindless work that needs to be done before i laugh in the lap of art and freedom.