I don’t think there’s closure on my side but at the same time, i just waiting to see what happens. part of me doesn’t want to deal with it because dealing with it doesn’t really get me anywhere. nevertheless, i have thought given thought on what is the future of the relationship. i think i am falling into the trap that i expect her to change otherwise I know that the relationship will have no future. And yet i would imagaine that she would expect the same of me, a transformation of sorts into a very different mindset in order to life of committment.
It’s interesting to me to I won’t accept her as is, which goes against the grain of my beliefs. Actually, I do accept her given where she is but at the same time i do expect an evolution of spirt of sorts. actually, i think a better word is would be aspiration. something not as high as a dream but not as cumbersome as an expectation. too many days have gone in between these train of sentences and i am left uninspire to write anything. my hand hurts from playing hard raquet ball and my mind too relaxed after some fine 18 year old scotch.
still, i need to push myself to process these lingering emotionals. i am thinking i am in my classic defensive ‘nothing is a big’ deal mode so the memory only stabs at me when i indugle in old letters and silly pictures. but of course i don’t have time for those indugling sort of exercises now as i have more ‘important’ matters to deal with.
so, my land lord is leaving in a week to travel around the world for at least a couple of years. i envy him very much now and i am going to miss him a lot too. i hope to see him outside of sf in some remote village in India. we aspire to very much the same concepts but have very different styles. i am sure we will meet again in very different circumstances.
i saw the matrix revolutions a couple of nights ago and as visually declicious as it was, i felt like those novice spiritual seekers that say ‘is that it?’ after attending their first retreat. you come into it with all these wonderful important questions that if answered, your life will all begin to make sense. but somehow after someone tells you the answer, you wonder if the question wasn’t all that important after all. and so it is with the end of the triology, it is not the answer that makes it interesting but the question. in between the question and answer lies the purpose. because once you have the answer, then what is the purpose?
lastly, i saw winged migration last night and one point in the movie i had a deepening of a conviction on the purpose of life. i understood on a more sublte level why all living beings have a buddha nature but humans have the greatest potential for realization. it’s fun to get one of those golden nuggets of deepening out of nowhere.
and before i forget, here’s the beta of my swan song to her mix cd.
_humor to ease the pain