feeling a serious lack of creative juices of late. maybe it started after the whole sf faces show but getting back into the business of photography has diluted my passion of meaningful photography. most of the photography i do these days have very little connection to my personal values. from models to happy people getting married, i can’t really connect with it on a level to feel inspire about capturing it. i am beginning to feel that my deferrment of photography as a personal exploration will suffer as i get more caught in the business aspect of it. luckily, i do enjoy much of the business processing and building that we’re experiencing now. but at the same time, i feel a growing tension between those two opposite activities. i was editing a wedding i did a couple of weeks ago and i am kicking myself in the ass because it looks so uninspiring. sometimes i blame the equipment but deep down i know the issue my connection with it. it is being the photography, the people, the moments, and even the equipment! i guess i dread that feeling that everytime i go shoot a wedding i have to remind myself about what is missing in my life. and even if i wasn’t in a relationship right now, the whole life long marriage concept is very much in conflict with the monkey monk. i know at some point the business will be successful enough to give me time to explore photography on a personal level, but i fear at that point, there will be something else that will cause me to put in second place again. for there is only the now and right now, i rather be meditating.
uninspired
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i’ve said for quite some time that there is a potential danger in mixing creative arts with trying to make a living. its nice in concept to be paid to do what you like, but if it becomes ‘work’ well then it becomes just that, work. i’ve seen it happen to a number of different people i’ve come in contact with graphic designers, photographers, etc. when you do it 8+ hours a day for your client, your boss, your company, will you have anything (energy, creativity, time, inspiration) left for yourself?
i think there is potentially something special in separating your art from your means for a living. it can be more free and pure, more of a gift as opposed to something you need to be compensated for.
of course all this is easy for me to say, as no one is throwing money at me for playing records and stuff.
well, the danger is always there but i think i rather fail trying to combine it all rather than denying the holistic nature of the being. some will agrue that it easier to be a monk in the remote forest and i agree.