i’ve had some real trouble sleeping for the past several weeks. i remember the last time this happened was when i meet her. it wasn’t because of her but she didn’t help me get to sleep any easier. but last night, i finally got in some decent REM sleep. i had been to a buddhist class earlier in the night and for once i wasn’t thinking about orange before i dose off to bed. i know it’s pretty bad when i am falling sleep and i am thinking about orange. and the first thing that i am thinking about is orange. as much as i love it, i need to let it go badly. it’s consuming my mind on dangerous level. at any rate, for once last night i didn’t dream about “work” but the dream i had was very vivid.
i had dream i meet the tibetan teacher that i was “teaching” during my class. i say “teaching” because we were watching a video of one of his teachings. but in the dream, i felt that i had found my “teacher”. although i don’t recall exactly the words of exchange between the teacher and me, at the end of the short dream, i had a profound feeling that it was a message. message that i had been waiting for some time now. i am afriad that i may not heed the message but i know it will come back to me until i listen to it. i not sure what inside of me has change since i turn 30 but mentally, it’s all real different now. there’s a sense of greater purpose in what i am doing. from how i “work” to why i am beginning to take formal buddhist classes at this conjunture. there is a sense that i am on the right path. i think it would be very very difficult to the old way of existence. but a new challenge araises that will be greater than all that i have faced in the past 10 years. the end result of the challenge will ulimately lead to the destruction of something larger than it should have ever been. everyday it grows a tiny bit larger but at night i try to chip away at the growth but it’s still growing bigger and bigger. i don’t think it will get out of control but it will grow to a point in which it can no longer occuipped the same space as it’s only savoir. either the savoir shall overcome or it will hemorage from it’s own weight. i think that those that understand know who is the savoir but will the self let you embrace the savoir?