i finally finished this book, going on being, last night by Mark Epstien. I haven’t read his too previous books but this one apparently had a lot more personal references into the integration of the buddhist path with western physcology. I was definitely able to identity much more to the personal inquires and thought processes that he had gone through as he sought to reconcile the paradoxes of the path. interestingly, the two points that gave me much food for thought was the concept of “i am not” and the process of raising a family as a meditative practice.
the trick of emptiness as a concept. which stiplulates that forms araise from nothingness and nothingness is form, continues to play ping pong with my mind. if we are to acknowledge that we should not grasp upon the forms that arise from nothing, then the tricky part is not to grasp emptiness as well. i guess this where the “i am not” part comes in. as we explore the path to undo the “i am” this and that, there comes a time when some of us begin to identity with “i am not”. I don’t think i will be able to aritculate this concept well at all as my physical sickness impedes upon my ablity to think remotely clear. but the “i am not” concept struck a cord because there is a correlation with my view that “i am not worthy”.
i don’t think that my admittance that “i am not worthy” necessary mean that i have a low self esteem but i do think it is something deeper. deeper in the sense that although i am outwardly successful, there are deep defense mechanism that are still at work (as a compensation for coping with childhood traumas). The “i am not worthy” mantra translate to a level of criticalness of the self and more often than not of other people. so i quote here from nagarjuna, “Emptiness has been said …to be the relinquishment of views, but…those ho hold to the view of emptiness are incurable.” So, i need to explore this concept more but i fear that i walk a fine line between dismantling the “i am” but only being to hold on to the “i am not”.
although i’ve been saying a long time that i need to leave the bay area and go explore my inner self in remote places of asia, i’ve still fanastize about having a family and practicing the path within that intergration. as the author talks more of his own personal experience in trying to reconcile the path of reuniciation and of family rearing, my fanasty didn’t seem so outgrageous. i know i am over compenstating for what my father did to our own family. to walk out of family life in search of the path and not being able to integrate it creates hardships for all. he acknowledged that to me on the phone the other day when he reminded himself that he must deal with his action that our family bond is so weak. i know i need to repair that bond that which is left of my family but i must start with myself.