what i must do this year. if i am to transform and bring together all of my latent desires into reality, i must take my sabbitical and go deeper than i have ever gone. to find the discipline to break free from my old self. to find the courage and power to sustain that. the perfect storm is brewing.
i’ve envision what i want my life to look like 30 years from now but the next 5 years is next so clear. i know enough that i need to end this previous chapter of such lopsided left brain thinking. whatever that side is, i don’t even know. it’s incredible how well i buy into the illusion of my wonderful self creation. of the great career, independence and blah blah. it has a tight grip since it’s so darn appealing for course. and of course, i stumble upon an old creative type of my yester years and i look through his own narrative. i am inspired and envious. that’s the demon in me, the envy. i see on that fence glimpsing into so many people’s lives through that split second. telling myself that i don’t want what they have but knowing that own supposed desires is no different. it sends me into a tight spin because i can’t currently wholehearted pursue either direction because i have neither the courage of destruction or the conviction of creation. stuck in a self induce state of false positives. sometimes a part of me want to go even deeper into that illusion somehow believing that at the end of it, there will be salvation. to change course, the energy and destruction of that self creation. wow, it’s fucking the hardest thing ever. no one you need an powerful powerful state of clarity and awareness to even have a remote chance of recognizing your true nature. to my future lover, the soul is in dark place now. i hope that i find the light before i meet you.