i forgot who i was talking to exactly but i was telling about my photographic memory and history. for the most part, i am not particular proud of my ability to remember things. sometimes i think it’s because i look forward too much so i don’t use the muscle of memory and it remains weaken like a malnourished child. even though i’ve been an ‘active’ photographer for the past 10 years, most of my professional work is as forgettable as chemistry in high school. often i think no matter what the work, some boring corporate event or a fancy fashion shoot, most of the photos i look at don’t evoke any significant emotional response. i think when i compare what i do now to that emotional hook that got me into photography, i am so far removed from the emotional inspiration. but a part of me is actually really fine with it. i enjoy my what i do but there is little emotional investment in it. it is only a means to express. so, back the original subject of my memory, there is finally an significant emotion response to see photos again. for course, the subject matter may be the same all the time, that being of my amazing daughter, but the visual narrative of child hood weaves through a cardboard box of pictures. when i look at old photos of uma, my emotional memory erupts in short waves of happiness. so much in encapsulated in childhood that reconnecting to it reconnects us to our original nature. that of pure, authentic joy and comical confusion. sometimes i feel like a treasurer collector. taking photos of my daughter as a way of saving these precious memories so i can recollect these simple but powerful feelings when i am in my diapers again. i do think of my end of days more often then i should. i think about the outcome of the end and most of the visualization has been consistent in the past 10 years. it’s a simple life. in the country. remote but near a vibrant city. maybe 90 min drive at most. i am only there half of the year. the other half in some sort of retreat in some 3rd world country. i walk alot and do tai chi. still drink tea, but mostly white now and still pur erh after a meal. i am mediating 2-3 hours a day. the other time is volunteering and growing the orgicnic garden. i ‘work’ a quarter of the time, doing some personal project most of the time, maybe 2-4 hours a week giving business advice whoever wants to listen. maybe one part is not so clear is if she will be there. that soul mate that i admire and laugh with often. either way, i will be at peace but maybe happier with her in it. my daughter will visit me just 2-3 times a year. she has some great life in some great city but she’s grounded and i am proud of her. i believe that she will follow in my footsteps of in a richer spiritual path and i felt that that will be one of my greatest contribution. she will inspire more people and i will and that is just the seed that i want to plant. i will have rest in peace knowing that my daughter is on her way to that path.
