the drama

i didn’t think i was one for drama but it would seem that i like complicated relationships, given my track record of late. my current situation makes my last drama filled relationship look like preschool. alas, what doesn’t kill you only make you stronger or more stupid. undoubtedly, i feel stupid about the situation because a wise man would not even allow such an opportunity to be stupid. stupid only because it caused considerable harm to a third party not because my feelings about her are stupid. the question for me is what kind of karma have i created for myself with this? i do recall my first ex and how her decision to go out with one of the friends in my circle caused me considerable mental hardship. the question of timing becomes the most interesting aspect to dwell on and it’s not unlike my current situation. i distinctly recall one fine sunny afternoon when i was pretty pissed off and i pack everything she had given me and walk to her apartment across town to make a point. pretty dramatic!! yeah, whatever i guess. so, now being on the other side of the equation, i appreciate the suffering that one can go through about friends and relationship and TIMING. love is as much about the feeling as it is about synchrocity of life. i am sure there are plenty of women i can love because of who they are but i don’t because the paths are not synchronizing. and so, i face a most critical juncture of my life. my mom suggested i think twice about it before doing anything and i joke to her that i will think thrice. the decision i make in the next couple of months will effect not just one other person but an array of little and big people. i should be losing a lot of sleep over this but given that i don’t sleep much, i am just getting white hair instead. a number of friends have advised caution on the matter and justly so. and of course, the one person that suggested i to throw caution against the wind was the one person i thought would not suggest so. as i discuss the matter of various friends, i see how much their own recent experience with women effect the advice they give me. it’s hard to get unbiased advise about these types of matters because most of are so condition by our own limited experience. i know my own biased advice tends to lean towards independence. naturally, a number of folks have given me shit about the recent turn of events in light of my own prophisized agenda of the past years. my rational is that i am not forgoing my path per say but only incorporating it in a larger exercise of being a lover and role model. it’s all part of the path and i was not ever against the possibly of incorporating it in the path but i really didn’t think i could find a partner that would actually participate in the path. so that’s the key factor in it all. anyway, however it pans out, i will undoubtedly be very unreasonable about it all. isn’t that what we went to landmark for?

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