in the black hole of work

the past year and especially the last 6 months has been the most challenging for orange in a long time. i am sure the external forces has some bearing but i can’t help but feel the bulk of the failure. undoubtedly, this great failure while I am trying to take the business/myself to the next level has been a great learning experience. even though i feel like i am working smarter and focusing on the ‘right’ things, it’s still an awkward phase as i plant new seeds. it’s been a long time since i’ve felt so financially stretch with the company and although i am not too worry about it, it still sits in the back of my mind. taking out such a significant loan because i believe in what i am doing is ‘right’. like i said, it’s been long time since i had to my money where my believe is. for the last 5-7 years, we’ve coasted and although never really profitable, we weren’t so financially stretch. even with a smaller team and less overhead, the mountain of credit card debt and loans is hitting the upper end of my comfort zone. i keep telling myself that it will all turnaround 18 months to 2 years as the team grows to the next level. sadly, i am not sure i anyone else quite believes. it’s been a lonely experience to say the least as i chugged along in my mixed lighting studio space. my man cave isn’t quite as comfortable as i would like but i quite enjoy having the space to myself. yes, alot of alone time these days as i am half ass about the whole dating thing. i need to figure out some greater mission to fill my heart with. as much as i enjoy working on orange, it’s been too lonely for me to commit my heart into it. without a greater pull, orange becomes the default habit that i fall into. as i toil away on these lonesome nights, i can’t help by question to what end. who will really care? i would like to believe that ‘my’ employees care but that’s not the vibe that i am getting at all. yes, i need some serious deep thought into the nature of my frustration.