i don’t know how long it’s been going on. maybe 6 months, maybe a year or maybe since the start of orange. but of late, it’s been otentisbly obvious that i am under considerable macro and micro stress. the acknowledgement rationalizes the bitter behavoir in my daily toil and although not “loud” in it’s manifest form, it runs deep enough to create a culture of suboptimal productivity. i am reminded of this phenomna through the optimistic words of david lynch. i had the opportunity to catch a webcast and was able to watch through it’s entirely on my computer (a remarkable feat considering my attention span).
regardless, the educational and rational value was much needed to hopefully reinvirogate the most elusive goal in the past 10 years of my life. what will it take for me to develop a regular practice of meditation? a lot of movivation and self awareness, which ironicaly, are developed within the practice. a catch 22 so to speak. but there no acceptable excuse when i am the captain of my own destiny. supposedly, yoga was going to be a great foundation for the meditation practice but i have corropted the practice to further my own desire to play the role of the workaholic scrooge. it’s a never ending cycle of self beratement and false pretenses of unawareness. lacking discipline would be my core excuse and so i must execute acts of unreasonably to circumvent this major shortcoming. i know what it is that must be done and so i must just complete the emptying of my room.