one day i will recollect these days and i will swear at myself for being such a fool. but while i am swearing at myself, i will concurrently smile because i will probably be really content/happy that present moment. even now as i am swearing at myself for not having a life or any disposal income, i am perfectly content to ride this massive wave of super productive routines. i can’t begin to fanthom about how many hours i “work” because work as a concept has been transformed something else entirely. in truth, it is an exerise in committment. i am acutely aware that i rarely give my committment to many things but at the same time, i wont exactly say i am afraid of committment because my committment to my current endeavor is an wholehearted committment without any parallel. it only took me about 30 years to have a real passion for something but i was always the late bloomer. certainly, i know i am not going to be sustaining this level of committment for the rest of my life on this particular endeavor but i would appreacite my ability to commit. i recall a teaching once about what it means to be committed to the path of buddha and i began to think about all those othe typical committments in life. like the one to your soulmate and family. i can’t go into it now but let’s just suggest that a committment to oneself can require more strength than all of those other committments that seem scary. reframe the question and some things just look like child’s play.
meanwhile, i am flirting with diaster right now as i entertain friendships with the opposite sex. well, i certainly believe that man and woman can just be friends because i do have woman friends but for some reason, my current friendship with a particular someone makes me wonder about where those boundaries are. boundaries are especially relevant in this particular situation because we have a mutal friend that we both adore. so, it’s all fun for now but i just don’t want to create any sort of possiblity of fucking up two relationships with one stone. anyway, i can’t worry about this too much but i can’t exactly deny that the possiblity exists for major fuck ups.