i think the quickest way to my heart is through the sound of her voice laughing to the musical notes of sadness. for tonight, i weep for to all that she represents. the vulernablity and power all in the same glorious form. two nights of back to back devastation is not something that i am used to. tonight it was maria taylor, a southern gal with an astounding voice as she belt out this last song:
First Time Ever I Saw Your Face
The first time ever I saw your face
I thought the sun rose in your eyes
And the moon and stars were the gifts you gave
To the dark and the empty skies, my love,
To the dark and the empty skies.
The first time ever I kissed your mouth
And felt your heart beat close to mine
Like the trembling heart of a captive bird
That was there at my command, my love
That was there at my command.
And the first time ever I lay with you
I felt your heart so close to mine
And I knew our joy would fill the earth
And last till the end of time my love
It would last till the end of time my love
The first time ever I saw your face, your face,
your face, your face
by roberta flack
it’s a sappy song but somehow it was very approriate considering what was going on my mind. it’s a always a rare and savoring occassion when i can stop my mind and simply be carried away the simple beauty of it all. it was a much needed reminder of who i was because earlier today i wasn’t quite sure if understood the kind of man that i was becoming. here’s a little a sample of her music.
but today was also a very emotional trying day as i lost my ability for patience and explode in a way that i will invarablity always regret. whether it was justify or not, it more reflective of my own weakness to deal with those less critical of their own behavior. i’ve always suspect that being in a business together with friends would be pretty much like being in an intimate relationship. so it’s not unexpected that we will have our differences and vents as it all part of the process. things are never meant to be easy, so i don’t take it too personally but i did cross my mind that some people aren’t as thick skin as i am. do i allow that sensitively to perpetuate itself or to make it clear that i am not able to tolerate such non sense. part of me know that i made a clear choice to act immature so that it just doesn’t blow over because when it does, the root cause of the frustation simply get swept under the rug until another time. so, i made a fool of myself in front of everyone by being an ass but part of me accepts that as my own ignorance and my desire to make it clear that there are fundmental issues that need to either be address or diffuse. in truth, it’s foolish to think that anyone of us will drastically change our behavior to accommdate the business but adjusting it to a level of acceptable tolerance is as much as i can hope for. i know that i’ve changed considerably since the early days but i embrace it all because the late twentysomethings was not a particularly great time of personal growth. will i dispise the person i will become as i am more decidedly sure about the ‘vision’ and what it takes to achieve it. no, the end doesn’t justify the means but there is an inefficieny in being nice and charming. okay maybe not inefficieny but i can certainly understand the frusation that non ‘people’ persons like me have to deal with when we require other people’s contribution on a level that they normally don’t operate on. i not saying that we’re all that but undoubtedly there is a growing discrepancy between the vision and the size of the organization. a most challenging disposition because to lead by example requires a level of awareness that can be exhuasting at times. so, one can’t be perfect in that regards. it is necessary to be at fault somewhere to allow the human form to reflect its inherent shortcomings.
in this final hour, i am at lost for words for things that can be in light of recent of synchocities. as i suspected, when the conditions are ripe, it doesn’t take long for the forces of nature to collide and create a bigger universe. a large part of me is still very resistance even though i know when the time is right, resistance is futile. but concerns me greatly is very serious level of distraction it will create should i lose sight of the the 2 year plan. in truth, only in a time when one has a choice does the conviction of one’s belief really shine through. for it’s far too easily to decide on a life of monkhood when the temptions only comes in flavors of vanilla. have i been down this road before or it really a different road. one would like to think that it’s always a different road but i am one not to be easily suspectible to pretty road signs leading to a life of the uninspired.