let’s pretend i am not drunk for once while i entertain my thoughts. it would only seem that during momement of my non soberity that i have the time and inclinition to express my fragmented state of mind. first off, it seems like burnt rotten rice in my house, it makes me want to throw up but the stench is so strong that there isn’t some space left for my own expenditures. setting that aside, there are two things that have been readily apparent in my life. we are qausi concern that we’re about to acquire a mountain of debt and our faith is wavering. this is when things in the business can get really ugly. all the ‘investments’ in the past year and the ‘leadership’ that have brings us to this point of dispair. in one respect, there is an ugly sense of failure that we are even in this position. but on the other hand, it sperates the believers from the free loaders. in that respect, it’s naturally a good thing because you don’t want people to be around for the wrong reason. but ironically, the very reason that it is the wrong reason is the reason that we are in this position. so, if we over think just a bit, it’s obvious that the position is quite difficult to defend. luckily, no one is over thinking at this juncture, just mostly reactive emotional responses at this point. nevertheless, this is the time that defines my role and believe in what we’re doing. in many respects, because i am an untested subject in this realm of experience, there is much faith takes place here. faith in a vision, in a style, and process that seemingly is anthesis of our most people’s backgroundl. in truth, we know that it’s been done a thousand times so it’s nothing ground breaking in any regard in terms of the organizational development. naturally, the personal development of the individuals involved is the point of this entire exercise.
there are many days that i wake up and wonder, can the reality we create for ourselves can be transmit to those around you. it’s fine enough we all create our own reality but it would seem that during the darkest hours that some people would need their reality be created for them. it’s the effectiveness of that transmission that makes or break the individual in that role. actually, i am thinking that it is quite necessary that there is a failure to believe in order to reach a higher level of belief. a failure to convince on the intellectual level becomes an opportunity for conviction and experience. there isn’t anything i can say now that will make the darkness any less palatable. regardless of the outcome, i know i am not subject to failure in it’s traditional sense but i would be more disappoint only mis opportunity to illustrate the illusions of our daily perception. for me, success gives more leverage in deconstruction. which fundmentally, is the more difficult part of the path to a higher existence. still, it is an endless task, alas for myself, i must find the conviction to sustain that task. for the time being, i will rationalize and pretend that success is our goal and failure is something to avoid. but if sucess meant a greater opporuntunity to deconstruct, then why would i need to pretend. these are the mental gymasitics that i perform late at night and i know it only leads farther away from the holy moment.