whether it is a philosphoical exercise or a deep fear of committment, i seem to be enjoying myside a bit with my with my conceptual yoga woman. i would pretty much have to be a total incompetent man to not pursue her more serioursly but i am not going to explore that line of logic. i can list plenty of reasons that ‘hold’ me back from getting it over with but right now i seem to be enjoying the process on multiple levels. maybe it’s just after my yoga high today that i am thinking sure i can ask her out anything and everything will work out. haha, of course not. but philosphically, i am entertain by the process of seeing if this desire expires after a certain point. if i never asked her out and never bother to find out if i had a ‘chance’, would the desire simply dissipate or will it snow ball until an obsession where i am finding out where she teaches and go there all the time too. it seems to be at an acceptable level of plutonic desire to is quite benefitful to my yoga practice. i really didn’t want to go today after working out pretty good at gym but she helped me overcome my inherent laziness.
interestingly enough, the concept of non achievement is quite appealing to me. it precidates that although there is seemingly a goal that we’re working towards, it is the non achievement that keeps the drive alive. sometimes goals get reset and it’s the same difference. i had an IM conversation with a buddy of mine and he’s whacking me about how complex my rationzaltion has become and i do agree with him on a fundmental level. actually, sometimes i think it’s rationizational but at other times i feel that it’s a shift in perception. i feel that it’s a very very subtle difference that only i can tell about myself if i am honest to myself. i tend to believe that most people will percieve it as a ‘normal’ behavior of the mind (ie rationalization and other defensive mechisms to protect the ego) but there are different moments where i don’t feel like that’s the case. this line of thought may seem pointless but it’s of utmost importance in determining one’s spiritual development. am i simply an advancer practioner of complex rationalizations or we acutally making progress here? regardless, my current set of desires were analzye by a respectable guru, what whould they say? i am pretty sure they would say recognize it’s emptiness and get some fucking work done on that transfatty ego of yours. but the counter argument, as my friend would put it, is that if you alllow yourself to submit to the power of love (ie the woman), you’re wouldn’t be causing yourself so much mental angiush over it. i can see both sides of the arugment and it is frustrating to waver inbetween the two concepts. obviously, they are both valid and good paths of discovery but the point i was trying to make was that, in one path, progress depends solely on your own discpline. whereas, the other, although a more ‘powerful’ path it’s a bit of wishful thinking to think that your partner is somewhere along the same philosophical path and development. there are too many variables in that equation for my simple mind. you see, i read a rather funny article (rather briefly mind you) that brad pitt and his lady had spilt up over philosophical differences. he wanted to spend less time on his career and use his fame to help people whereas she rather focus on her career a bit more. so, what i am i saying? without a shared philosophy, there is only so much fun you can have before it’s readily apparent. i see this phenonmaa in many aspects of my life with numerous people.