_visions of desire haunt the day
on the day i turn the big 32, i found myself having a major headache. i didn’t want to make a big deal out of it because it just another marker on how fast life is flying by and how little time i have left. i don’t mind enjoying a new bottle of scot or having some excellent french food with a friend or two, but a party is too much in my face. i don’t mind a big celebration when i die but before that it would be anticlimatic.
i spoke to one of my oldest high school friends today and she’s getting married in NY next year. i can understand her not wanting me to shoot her wedding and just enjoy it as a guest. but i figure when i ‘retire’ from this wedding tour of duty, i will just probably shoot close friend’s wedding (that is if there is any left!). it’s actually quite an honor but potentially an awkward situation for a friend to ask me to shoot their wedding. i mean if i suck and friends just asked me to shoot their wedding because they feel bad for me, then it would really suck. luckily, there isn’t the case but certainly that is something i would want to avoid. i hope my good friends will tell me that i suck when i lose it. it’s too easy to be complacence about being good.
it’s always an interesting conversation with old friends about different life paths. it’s a nice point of reference on the character development of the individual when there is a historical context. needless to say, it seems to be a pattern in my life where i have very few friends but they tend to be fairly stable and long lasting. i don’t know if any of these relationships will ever converge into one location but it’s an entertainting thought. certainly, that’s the whole point of weddings. a convergence of sorts of the past and future. i don’t mind that kind of constructed setting but it’s what happens afterwards that makes me uncomfortable. i know it’s entirely possible that you can meet someone that doesn’t want a nice house and kids but it seems a recipe for disaster for me given my current context. in so much, my mindset feels like it’s really at the early twentysomething because it’s more about what i want to do in my ‘career’ than settling down to a dandy relationship. some would argue with me that being in a relationship can augment a ‘career’ and keep it more balance but sometimes being ‘focus’ means being a bit obsessive about something. that’s where i am at, an obession with completing the project in a set time frame and desperating trying to avoid the girl at yoga tree.