i spoke to my father today and as usual, i was in front of the computer half paying attention to him and half feeling shitty that i am only paying only half attention to him. the topic of the conversation are always the same, call your brother, be a good big brother and think about buddhism more. i can’t say that i’ve been a particular good big brother but i’ve given it some effort. more effort that trying to find my mother and sometimes i wonder if i am a more terrible son than a terrible big brother. i am sure i will be rank in pretty low on the grand pantheon concerning family members and it will be my karma that i will die alone without any family by my side.

my father, on the other hand, is a very good man. i am quite proud of him and i sincerely wish i can communicate with him on a more effective level. maybe one day he will read these notes and be more assure that i love him as much as a terrible son could. although i have written him sincere letters, they seem inadequate in light of the power of the spoke word. interestingly, the conversation today was mostly in english and it had a strange tone to it. he told me that one of my cousins was getting a divorce and it actually really surprise me. he reiterate to me that i should try to understand why these things are happening and i mumble something to the like of ..’that’s why i am single dad!”. i thought it was pretty funny but he didn’t really hear me and that’s sort of part of the issue with our conversations. it’s usually a one way conversation about why i should do this or that. but at the end, he did said he love me but i didn’t find the courage to reiterate such sentiments. i feel like shit afterwards but at least i am thinking about him now. i feel that my father sense of confidence in his choices are more evident in light of the recent turn of family events. first a cousin died last year and then an uncle got a divorce and now another cousin getting a divorce. even my normally non drinking uncles are drinking more often doing social situations. that is nothing significant in itself but it does seem to represent shift in attitude. at this point, i wish i could have more meaningful conversations with my extended family but i guess i will have to wait until i return east. i should visit my father again soon. maybe in the next year when i start some of my personal photography projects that i will find my way in the heartland of texas. i think a visit in his community will really good for me on a number of levels. i can certaintly appreaciate more their level of commitment to the path and their way of life. i very much look forward to the the day when i have time to explore life, art, spirituality and the pursue of the ulimate driving machine.