_facing the wrong direction or not.
it’s been a while since i mediated. i can’t remember the number of months but it feels like over a year. actually, i meditated last week and it felt refreshing but it would seem that my dominant disposition is one of very focused denial of everything that isn’t ‘work’. i was cleaning up my room tonight and all my plants are dying. it’s a pretty accurate manifestation of my relationship with my personal life. i am not suprised that things are dead or i don’t have any friends beyond my local orange world (besides my exercise buddy), it’s always been a conscious choice.
so, there does that leave me? how long will i work on this project before i am sick of this glorious lifestyle that has no seperation. maybe i should just find a buddhist girlfriend and she will help me get back on track. no, that would be the easy route. i got an email from my ex and she’s bad in new zealand now. sounds like she’s not doing that great and have to start all over again. i feel quite sad for her and i wish i could help her more. alas, i have committed myself to a continue existence of self mediciation. it’s not what i want but it disrupts my life enough to make me question my actions. if i were to be sober all the time and productive, i would think too much of myself but because of the medication, i am disgusted by my soberity. it’s funny how that all works.