which rabbit hole will i go down? into light of emptiness or into the darkness of orange? after much good food and 3 easy drinks in front of gorgeous bartender, my cohort and i somehow distilled my essential issue in layman’s tongue. i am an unexpected father and that is why i am caught in the tension of fatherhood versus the wanderer. it may not be a 7 year itch but it feels like a 4 year disease. naturally, i can’t really complain about anything in myself because i would be a most ungrateful bastard if i mutter an ounce of discontentment. it’s not so much that the grass is any greener on the other side but in fact, the grass is actually green on this side of the fence. unfortunately, it is when the grass is so green that i fear attachment to the green grass as oppose to realizing the nature of grass when it isn’t so green. it’s mostly all meaningless but the course of events must make its due course, there will be no sudden jolt in direction unless by forces greater than the logic of mind.
i had a very powerful almost frightening realization last night in the heat of the red jack saloon. if it wasn’t by the force of karma, i would actually be married right now and i would either be still in hazy states of honeymoon like phenoman or in the madness of irrationality. at the point i made the decision, it would have been the biggest risk i would have undertaken in my life. the risk to commit to something crazier than me, love and the woman that made it a risk. i don’t think i would have regret making the decision as i am sure it would have been a very beneficial learning experience that would have accelerate other psychological development. but now, an opportunity of such scenarios would only further deepen the unexpected father effect and that is the heart of the matter.