i guess the last time was at a retreat was 6 months ago and i need to go real bad. my attention span has been totally short circuited. i can barely meditated for more than 20 mins and 2 or 3 times a week at most. far cry from anything consistent and meaningful. at least i am sticking with my committment to attend two retreats a year. at some point, my yoga and meditition practice will finally ‘click’ and doing every day will be as natural as taking a piss. interestingly enough, i feel like most of the things i am doing these days are at a stage that isn’t as fun as being a novice but at the same not as natural as been a master. nevertheless, one must take this stage of development in strive because in hindsight i am sure it will be the most interesting.
what does an balance feel like? at this juncture of development, the balance is very subtle but at the same time annoying jarring. given how much i can control my daily life, i find that the unbalance is mostly mental but naturally the physical body interjects every so often. the curprit is obvious enough, life as an passionate entrepreteur has a very high price in time. if i didn’t have plans on leaving this forsaken city to travel, i wouldn’t drive my self so hard to get to a self sustaining state. alas, the business is at a critical growing point and i must continue the unsettling committment to it.
my hopes of her return to balance out my personal life is the equation now. even now as she suggests that she is confused and not sure about her decision to end it with me, i don’t give her any room for reconcilation. maybe after my retreat i will feel definitely but maybe i will care even less. all i know is my mind is painfully numb to emotional states.