untitled

i was reading an article about sigur ros a couple of days ago and something really really stood out at me about what they were saying about their music. how do you categorize and title something that is meant to be experience not desribed? to describe it is to destory it, the very meaning of the message. so when they released their last album without any titles on it, i dawned on me why i like have the title of ‘untitled’ in my sig. on the ego driven level, it’s the desire of the ego to go beyond categorization. it’s so big it refuses to be caged in any title that people choose to label it as such. that is one level, but the less exciting level, i am drawn to the non conceptual level of reality. it’s a lot of bullshit to swallow in the context of a big ego but the ego is ever so subtle. anyway, i am experiencing the music right now while the saddness of it all persaude to continue this non sense.

i got a call from an unfimilar caller id tonight and i choose not to answer it. anyway, 2 hours later and i listen to the message and i hear the great sadness in her voice. she is trying to hide the pain but i hear it in between the lines. she says ‘i guess you’re aren’t home, i am lonley tonight, i want to come pick up my shoes that i left there 3 weeks ago’. it’s my landlord’s exgirlfriend and everytime i see her i dispise myself for being so weak. she is so confused and fucked up on drugs and she tries so hard to assert herself upon the world. her voice would be very belitting to the soundtrack of this album. one day i will hear about where she is and i will feel a slight twitch of regret. regret that i didn’t reach out to her more because i think she was one of the feel people she trusted. i really don’t know how many close people see confided so i can’t see i am one of the few but i did sense that i allowed it that she would open up to me and confide in me. she did once and i feel weird about it because it was so heavy. like i couldn’t just say a few words and it would be better. she require more than what i was capable at that time. i can’t agree with the line of logic that these types of people are just experiencing their own negative karma again and it will be so until they get it. the other half of the equation is the wasted opportunity that one throws away when one only believes in the former. it reminds me of the story about the yogi monk that almost gave up. after decades of failure, he realizes the frution of existence in the taste of maggots. so, when i replay my life back on my death bed, the moment that i heard her voice tonight will be one of the many reasons why i will see everyone again and again. it’s funny how once you appreciate the grand scheme of existence that you can only laugh at yourself to no end. still sometimes i wonder i am suppose to be here again and again. why do i feel like sometimes that it’s a choice? when i seek to explain why and how did i exactly arrive at this conjunture in life. there isn’t any practical logic is could withstand a grain of too many cocidences line of thought. yes, i do believe in destiny but for only people that can control themselves. i actually don’t think that minds any sense but if it did, it would mean destiny could be self realized. but actually the destiny i am talking about lacks a self to realize it. are we all just playing out our karmic expressions until we become the light that is inherent in existence itself? so i believe in destiny than, what is it exactly the frequncy of my light? i think i already fear it but that’s what it needs to grow. fear my not necessarily be the fuel for life but it can be a wonderful cyctsyl. anyway, my mind experience a high level of disparity tonight. the extremeness of the mind experience is almost exhausting.

i was in a meeting today with the work buddies and we all laughed when she say, ‘we need to be careful about bringing more dysfunctional ego wankers into the collective because it’s already crowded.’ i chuckled inside because she was talking about me and her mostly. when i think about it long enough, about what’s the biggest danger the collective faces and i would like to think that we would grow much faster than we can handle ourselves but i don’t wholely belief in that in. that’s going to happen anyway but the question becomes how big will each of our individual egos grow that it really begins to get crowded. success on our own terms will feed the collective ego and i wonder what are some of the manifestions of that bloatness. actually when i think about it a litlte bit i think it would remind me of the ‘who’s the toughest gang on the street’ line of ego aggrandizement. i am obviously stuck on the ego tonight and i need to take it easy on my thrusday night buddies.

so, her birthday is coming up and i am slowly pulling myself together enough to get all the ducks in the package. i tell her that i am focus on work these days because i want to get ahead so that i can slow down when she comes back into my life. part of me really believe that’s what i like to believe but the funny part of me, says that i couldn’t stop working if i wanted to. anyway, i hear so much about all of my other friends changing and i almost feel like i am ready for some change. like my desire to leave this city and go somewhere else why i lost my sense of self that i had built around this area. or maybe it’s my desire to settle down and have a kid and be a good daddy. gosh, i be a pretty good daddy but i can be also a kick ass shalonin monk! i think she will have a major influence in the direction those paths. i can’t imagaine wanting to continue in this particular path any longer if after the third time. so maybe in the next couple of years i will face the most pivotal turning points in my existence. the last major pivitonal turning point was deciding to go to berkeley. that decision alone was responsible for endless babies of of successful jokers. why i continue to beget or begone? ironically, i fear that a part of my path will actually be influence by the very entity that which i cringe from. the US goverment. they will make our relationship realize it’s destiny or they will teach us the value of patience and faith. still, the it isn’t any different than the UC admissions office deciding to allow me to sneak into berkeley. any maybe it wasn’t so different that the time that US government allow our family to enter into the US as aliens from inner space. So, i guess i have to trust the destiny that lacks ego.