i can’t find the movatation to just go out to a party to just kick it. maybe it’s because i rather just ‘work’, maybe i don’t feel like i can socialize with normal people anymore. well, i know i can but i have to really try. like there’s something unnatural about it. it’s always been inside me; this quasi uninterested attitude at parties or most social scenes in general. i am not much of a small talker. anyway, a friend told me about this party tonight and i am sure it would have been a blast because i’ve been there a number of times, but i broke down at the last moment. i got my gear ready, dressed up in my crazy asian chef outfit and then laid down to read, luminous emptiness and that was the mistake. i had gotten the book out at the libaray about a month ago and it’s been entertaining me. anyway, after a couple of paragraphs, i lost interested in going out big time.
my social life definitely feels that it’s been on hold since she was no longer here. all the things we used to do together have been postponed until she gets back. sure, i still go to yoga but that’s about the only thing. not that we were much of a social scene couple because we usually get bored after a couple of hours and go home. still, it’s tough to movivated when i am caught in this limbo state. i feel her presence in my heart so it’s difficult to just enjoy myself without thinking about her. certainly, my ‘job’ involves enough of the party atmosphere that i find himself not really wanting to going back to it when i want to relax.
i saw a photo expo today and it was interesting but pretty predictable stuff. i don’t now why but i can’t really get moved my the stuff i saw there. i mean a lot of it was great shit but there wasn’t any connection with me and why this shit should matter. i guess the way i look this level of art is that someone should only buy it because it connects with them in some deep level; not because it’s going to be nice in the hall way or it’s value will increase over time. shit, it may as well but a well designed stock certificiate if that’s the case. still, i think people like to feel cultured and support living artists, so they buy into the whole burritio. i obvious don’t have an answer to the tension between art and commerce but for now, if i can get away with separating the two, then i will. i guess that’s where the freedom of money allows you to presuade art in a purer form. fundmentally, i think that’s what it boils down to. how pure is the shit. i think artists run the gamut in their career. first they just express, then they express to sell and if they sell well long enough, then they can just express. but then most artists are are still in the pre conventional or conventional; few reach the post conventional. whatever really; in the end none of this shit means anything to me. that’s what a major obstacle in me picking up the camera from doing more meaninful with it. iknow the time will come but for now, i am content to be the guy behind the scenes.