i had the wonderful pleasure of enjoying the company of an old friend tonight, unexpectedly and deeply. it’s those moments that catch me off guard that force to bring my presence to my unexpected vistor that really brings a deep sense of appreciation to what it means to be a friend. fuck the true friend and best friend shit because labels just confuse me. just open up and talk the real shit. not what you had lunch today but how painful is it to be a human being. the more we can open up and face the world the next day, the better we will feel in the long run. sometimes i wonder if these words will come to haunt me and i sense that words like everything else are mere results of the conditions of that given moment. the more we hold on to a particular view the more it’s diffcult to let go it since. and since i ve all things as impermenant, i suspect that even that ugly words of today are only as relevant as the weather forecast. if i am to expect an evolution of the systems in place than i am not to be ashamed of my primitive existent. for the evolution doesn’t start at the top.
but i disgress. what of old friends that i’ve written off because of my own arrogance? of friends long taken for granted. i talk about my friends more than my family but like those black sheeps, i decieve myself to think that i love them all equallly all at the same time. no doubt like the painful process of my relationship with the lady, it’s really dark those moments that make me realize just how brigtht the mundane moments are. i’ve taken too much for granted. yes, that has been the lesson of the last moment. over and over again. i am looiking forward to going on another 10 retreat next week. i really need it because i have lost connection with something within myself. i can’t place it and although she has been a major part of the last 6 months, i sense that it’s just not her influence. it’s the same frustration that i feel when i can’t got to sleep at 2am after “working” 12 hours and meditating. i can’t simply wait for her to bring me back to the spiritual level at each i can let it all go and just be in the moment. it’s driving me mad when i think about bullshit things as to how i will program the next cool feature on the website at 2am. what is wrong with me!? still, i understand why people “work” 18 hours a day like my buddy kfc. sleep? who needs it !? balance? isn’t it spelled with a p? anyway, the bottle of $5 wine is wearing off and i don’t think i will be able to face myself in the morning if i don’t recover from this meaningless masterbation now. maybe she can save me from all these high level bullshit.
_i just realize the inadquecny of a photo. if it takes 1000 words to descirbe a photo. it takes you must be present to win to describe life.
ah, that feels much better. the softness of her eyes and smile alone is enought ot unagaite my spin cycle. nonetheless, i gotta stop wielding in this senseless wallow. this isn’t about her but it comes back to her. words become more inadqeuate when we one realizes the differnce between ‘what is the differnce between a book and a broom?”. where is she!? i need my silly childish IMs. it makes me let go those highly intellecutual self sufficient man child that deals with the world.