i am enjoying one of my secret brownie receipe at the moment. i am listening to this pretty sick heavy bassy tribe tweaky drummy groove at volumes extremely loud to the average computer geek. i am using techology to connect to my princess gaia in her under world of new zealand. i didn’t have much to write about except i was watching johnny q tonight on cinemax and it made want to throw up a crying session. it’s like so stuck in your movie, the desire to cry but you’re so locked up that you’re screaming broken notes.
it’s night like this when i think about what i would do for my lady friend. well being that she is the closest person i have to my heart of glass. it’s weird to think about it seriously because she living with me now and i’ve always been so independent. i guess i always thought i would date a woman for like 10 years and then she can move in with me. but it’s so strange and fun to be living with someone on a quasi pernment present moment. it’s amazing how fast her presence has almost overwhelm my existence (in a good way). well, i don’t know what the hell is the next level but this differently feel like something a lot different than my previous relationships. this relationship is exploring the unknown. the vassel that is being the high monkey monk. so beings another intensely interesting especially in hindsight chapter of my life. i actually used the excuse that i was 30 that i should be with this lady friend. it’s doens’t make sense but pretend you think you’re alot smarter than your younger brother when you’re 6 months older. the silliness that life experience should reward you when you reach an artbitily system of measurement such as how many seconds have you wasted?
so what the hell is the point is with all this mother spanking cow dung!? that you only being to realize how important your pinky finger is when it’s missing. like you so take it for granted that you can’t phantom that it would fail you in the near future. so one day after the princess boards the vessal to the underworld, i pick up all the peices that she has left for me to smile about. so simple but so so effective. the little knows that doesn’t say much but says everything. the great sense when you can expereince decades in one moment when you read a passage in your former life. like today when i was going through my drawer and found a old correspondance with one of my best high school friend. he was at havard and we still talk to each other like the stupid kids that we were in high school. nothing as fun as smart kids who like they’re something when they got into college. i remember that powerful sense of memory as if it was reclaim from a former birth. it seems so pure the memory. like an energy field that enfulf the mind. and so i guess even as i write these profound lies of the chicken mind i am writing the memory of a silly old man who laughs all day.
she would definitely have a beauitful bookmark in this chapter of my life. and i feel like it’s going to be a pretty intensely interesting chapter. from the raise of the CEO to the fall of the wrestler. from the animal into the man. into the ego. into the darkness. the question is how long? how long will he squander in the supposed darkness of his middle ages. it is by which light in which the next chapter should draw upon for it’s brightness. for the light of the ego blinds the eye and it’s seeers. but it is the light of the soul transforms the darkeness into the essence of life.
she says things that i am afraid to hear. she says things like i had compassion and wisdom in my former life times. like my eyes look aged and my saddness borders laughter. i am afraid to hear it because of the pressure it bears upon my muddy soul. that i need to find a way to take a shower. the urgency to take a shower becomes greater when you suspect that you were always clean and naked. you think that you can tolerate the yummy glooey feeling is inherent in the grasping of bubble concepts. only presence under the intense pressure inquriy. concepts such as success, family, honor, power and measurement. i think i lost my train of lies so i have to skip a record.
i think it’s time to my the car.
ps. this is the essence of the essence.
