i don’t think i’ve been this angry since the day we fought after i look so lustful after taking pictures of models on a runaway. i was suppose to be so in love at that time that any other woman would simply turn me off. but tonight, after we have already broken up too many times, she accuses being so clouded in my own perspective. basically, i am about as selfish as every other scum sucker out on the street. i know there’s truth in what she has to say because of course i am selfish but in correlation to what and who? compare me to the dali lama and i may as well be earth scum. compared to her? well, i asked her when was the last time she gave me something!? and she says on your fucking birthday! holy shit. she gave me something on my birthday. enough said.


the fight was embrassing because there was no point to it. the relationship is through and i’ve only continue to help her because i believe in karma. i am in a position to help her and i did but she made me feel like i haven’t done enough for her. well, if i took a step back and i would agree that i haven’t done enough for the world but for her in particular? i am from the school of thought that relationship should be balance in optimal situations but it’s rarely the case. maybe my premise is all wrong. either way, i feel like no matter how much i give and say, i won’t live up to her expectation. she strongly believes she knows what she wants, thus she should expect these things from people she’s with. granted we are have standards but never have i felt as inadequate on so many levels because i didn’t meet her expectations of what a man in a relationship should be. i mean she compares me to her father that unconditionally loves and gives to her. well, of course i am a fucking loser because i haven’t unconditionaly surrender to her after 8 months.

well, i need to vent because when she comes back with her sweet smile, i should reread what i’ve written and ask myself is it worth it? there’s no right or wrong decision but do how many times do you want to repeat it? how many lifetimes do we want to suffer, grasping for things as real the rainbow. for a rainbow is only real under the right conditions and so we believe that our life is real under the conditions we call existence. i am truly grateful of these painful experiences because it is the suffering that lays the ground work. without suffering, we would be demi gods and indugle in endless pleasures without questioning the basis of existence. but i digress. i am looking forward to sitting quietly for 8 days and kick the monkey out of the high monk.