i think for the longest time, since my early teenage years, i’ve been yearning to come to a ‘home’ called being myself. our being in ‘family’ where the self feels most at ease/natural. for many years, i’ve taken the most lone road outsider. in high school, the odd asian kid with mostly white friends and even in that circle being the odd kid that didn’t fit into any one circle. the underachiever in a class room of over achievers, the under athlete in a room of testosterone. these things are you’re not aware at at those ages, it was just what it was. but now, there’s a long trail of relationships to see the pattern. the sheep in wolf clothing. maybe it’s the low esteem in me speaking, making it’s the modest side. it doesn’t matter either way. apart i stand. in the blended family. in the institution marriage. marriage being the most intense formulation of bondage and the magnetic pulsation of polarity push us apart. it’s been a year now. in the last year, i’ve feeling like i am finally coming home to being myself for the first time. the birth of my daughter was the salvation of natural/organic bondage. not undue pressure of families being supportive of each other or passionate lovers accelerating towards “destiny”. for the first time, i am not trying to ‘integrate’ or learn to be part of something. it is not to say that the relationship with my daughter will be easy but it’s the first time i will express and receive the simplicity of family bondage. i would be lying if i said i sometimes didn’t envy other friend’s familial dynamics. i know it’s not rosy a lot of the times. not unlike my own unrosy relationship with my mum and dad. it feels so distance that i may as well being like i am an outsider again. trying to find how to make it fit. but not with my daughter. there is a cozy feeling of permanence with her, although i know even that cozy feeling is ever elusive. i really haven’t had any past times for the past many years. it’s mostly been straight up work distractions and family adventures of the past 5 years. i am groping to reinvent myself in this stark vacuum. yummy, i just had a nice epiphany. i just summarize what i had in the past relationship. i only had 2 of the 3 pillars of life long bondage. union of the the mind, body and soul. we love each other for our body and souls. which was an amazing bondage in itself. and so i just have to fall in love again and again with what i have today. my health, my daughter, my soul, and desire to evolve.
