xmas pictures

made more of an effort to photograph her this holiday. sometimes i feel like the more the photograph her, i can slow down childhood somehow because we’re both enjoying it so much.

my fire engine girl

i sometimes laugh when she throws her little fits. 99% of the time it doesn’t faze me a bit and 1% my hindsight goes in red alert. today and any other day, she just needs daddy’s fully present attention. in that perfect moment heaven and earth come together like hate spitting in each other’s mouth.

letter to my daughter part 1.1.1.a

dear amazing daughter. i don’t know how many times i look at you and say to myself, she’s the best thing that has ever happened to me. whether you’re saying ‘yeah’ in that nonchalant way when i tell you that i love you or when you’re screaming about jonsi is licking your toes, i am stumbling back into the present moment and you become the greatest teacher to man that think that they are so successful in their own minds. it’s all the love i have you, mixed in with whatever emotion you’re having, that creates this mental hiccup that brings me back the present moment. it’s true about what they said. that you don’t ever experience the most pure intoxicating love until you have your child. i mean it has to be intoxicating for you to put up with all the SHIT that you going to put dad to. i still can’t believe how fast you’re growing. one day you’re pooping on the open field and talk to the camera and the next day you’re all a big girl and potty train. like you said while craping one day, ‘i wish i was a baby again’, why they ask and you replied, ‘so i can grow up again’. already daddy is wishing i can start over and watch/experience your growth all over again. being that it will be one of the most loving/anguish experiences in our life, the memories from this time in our life will be unparalleled. i know you will remember nothing but you will see in the pictures how much i love you. i know i am a suffocator. i smother with my love. it’s the first time in dad’s life that my limbs can become trees.