dear mom

yet another dearchived writing from way back. it’s not quite easy to read for me but completeness, i am including all these writings into one location.

Dear Mom

I’ve been meaning to write this letter a long long time ago but life got in a way. Either way, it’s been the back of my mind and affecting my life on levels that is beyond my consciousness. I’ve decided to explore my feelings about our relationship on a conscious level with a therapist to see if i can find acceptance with our past. Although, i don’t think i ever told you how much it hurt me for you to treat me the way you did during most of my teenage years and beyond. although i had choose to stay with you after the divorce, sometimes i think it was a bad decision because how alone i became after wards. I felt like no one cared about me and that i was raising myself. Without the support of uncle paul and aunt jane, I think my experience would have been even more emotionally devastating. To this day, when the subject of our relationship is brought up, a wave of emotions still erupt in me and most of the time, i repress those feelings most of the time but i really need to work with those emotions now. I feel that my resolved feelings about you and our relationship is having a severe affect on my relationship with my wife and daughter. Since Uma has been born, the bitterness of the experience has been distinctively more palpable.

First off, the most relevant question for me as an adult was what was going through your personal life during that time. as an adult, i understand that adults have issues that we have to deal with an because family is more forgiving, we can neglect our family. i know every little about your relationship with your new husband at that time and had only hear negative rumors in his regard. i suspect that he was a major influence on you and that had an impact on our relationship. i would imagine that if weren’t with him, our relationship would be different. your relationship with him and the work you were doing with him was the top priority. i am assuming you were trying to build a better future for us but sadly, i don’t think that future ever manifest. being a small business owner myself and being in engulf in my work as well, i don’t want to make the same mistake with my family and daughter. i think if you shared with my all the challenges that you were going through at that time, it would help me understand your side of the story more.

Another back story that would help me greatly is to understand your own childhood upbringing. I suspect that you had an unusual childhood as well, given the context of the war and all. i feel like i know Dad’s side of the family much more and your side of the family to me is a big mystery. Without knowing these stories, our relationship lacks the substance of a family. Sadly, that applies to my friend to also everyone else in the family from you, to my father to my brother. I feel so disconnected with everyone because we don’t so few shared memories and stories. For the past 10 years, my relationship with my brother and father have been getting richer but with you, it remains starkly unfulfilled.