in the past month, i had the pleasure of experiencing a sustain feeling of unmet desire. in other words, i met a woman that makes me nervous being around her. it would seem that although i feel generally introverted, my job sometimes requires me to be super extroverted to make people smile at ease. Most of the time, when i met highly attractive woman, i do freeze up and that professional game time face never had a chance to materialize. it’s precisely because deep down i don’t what that side of me taking the front seat because i feel it betrayed my true self by being so outraesely opposite of that. and so, i examine my states of mind when it hits this sustain unmet desire. for the most part, i give easily into my desires. if i want to buy some gadget, do some exercise, take a day off, not show up at work, those desires are generally met pretty quickly. of course, i get one of those big desires, like hmm, i want a motorcycle. it lasts for maybe 2-3 weeks, as i fantasy about it but not acting on it because i suspect that desire will go away at point. so a lot of the little desires get fulfilled pretty often but generally the big ones get ignored. it’s rare that i keep thinking about her after obviously non verbal rejections! i understand that she doesn’t want to lead me on so it’s all very cordial and polite. for some reason, i feel like she’s putting up a wall as big as mine. anyway, i thought i had a game plan with her last night but i am not so sure any more. still it doesn’t waver that much. it usually between she is just being polite to she build a wall of china around her and no way am i going to get through that wall attitude. i actually thought it may be a fun exercise for me to become more one with this emotional state of being. like i want to see if i can use that strong feeling of desired redirect in a more fruitful direction. i keep thinking of that the the song entitle true happiness lies this way:<\/p>\n
And have you ever wanted something so badly
\nthat it possessed your body & your soul
\nthrough the night & through the day
\nuntil you finally get it!
\nAnd then you realise that it wasn’t what you wanted after all.
\nAnd then those selfsame sickly little thoughts
\nnow go & attach themselves to something….
\n….or somebody….new!
\nAnd the whole goddamn thing starts all over again.<\/p>\n
today it will be her, tomorrow, it will be another her. they are objects of meditation. i know my mind will keep on grasping for those things just out of habit. they can be self liberating. how wonderful is that. <\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"
in the past month, i had the pleasure of experiencing a sustain feeling of unmet desire. in other words, i met a woman that makes me nervous being around her. it would seem that although i feel generally introverted, my job sometimes requires me to be super extroverted to make people smile at ease. Most of the time, when i met highly attractive woman, i do freeze up and that professional game time face never had a chance to materialize. it’s precisely because deep down i don’t what that side of me taking the front seat because […]<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":2,"featured_media":0,"comment_status":"closed","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"ngg_post_thumbnail":0,"_jetpack_memberships_contains_paid_content":false,"footnotes":"","jetpack_publicize_message":"","jetpack_publicize_feature_enabled":true,"jetpack_social_post_already_shared":true,"jetpack_social_options":{"image_generator_settings":{"template":"highway","default_image_id":0,"font":"","enabled":false},"version":2}},"categories":[23],"tags":[],"class_list":["post-1123","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","hentry","category-thoughts"],"jetpack_publicize_connections":[],"jetpack_featured_media_url":"","jetpack_shortlink":"https:\/\/wp.me\/pb4m0Z-i7","jetpack_sharing_enabled":true,"_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/jack.orangephotography.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/1123","targetHints":{"allow":["GET"]}}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/jack.orangephotography.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/jack.orangephotography.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/jack.orangephotography.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/users\/2"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/jack.orangephotography.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fcomments&post=1123"}],"version-history":[{"count":1,"href":"https:\/\/jack.orangephotography.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/1123\/revisions"}],"predecessor-version":[{"id":1124,"href":"https:\/\/jack.orangephotography.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/1123\/revisions\/1124"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/jack.orangephotography.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fmedia&parent=1123"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/jack.orangephotography.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fcategories&post=1123"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/jack.orangephotography.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Ftags&post=1123"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}