this snippet was dearchived and declassified now that many years had pass since the lost of our still born daughter several years ago.
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whenever you tell me how ‘favoublus’ you look, i great a chuckle inside my soul. the way you say it and how you say it with such pride, it’s a wonderful joy you give me. every day, i ask myself why you didn’t come into my life earlier. i would have sooner realize the preciousness of this human life. i know it intellectually before but only until now do i feel it in my bones. so i simultaneously rush so that i can slow down earlier. it’s a funny joke we play on ourselves. and then i remind myself that i don’t need to buy you another ‘present’ but just need to be present with you, doing the simplest thing together like making chocolate cup cakes that you didn’t even like. it’s true that it’s as much about me ‘growing up’ and being a ‘responsible’ as much as you’re growing in your endless ways. it almost seems like every week, you surprise me with a concept you express. like the enjoyment of sharing or the idea of taking care of daddy. one day when i am old and fragile and you hold my weak head up and tell me in those same words that you will take care of me, i will die knowing. i know i can’t be attached to what you may become. i just hope that our cosmic karma has allow us to benefit more beings in this life time. there are many days when i you are the seed of my visualization. the warm feeling of intense pure will translate to that net of compassion for all beings.
it’s too early to tell how really major this past month has been but i know it’s big enough to warrant a level 5 analysis. in this analysis, we will look at the karmic conditions and pathogical parameters that have lead me to this most interesting junction in my life. first, female energy returns to the house of natoma and then mom randomly calls me after 10 years. and then, the 10 ton truck hits me and i am still picking up the emotional pieces from the highway of twisted destinies. even while the i am plotting the escape from SF, i always suspected that in the back of my mind that some 10 ton truck was going to hit me and i would have to really make tough choices. it would have been far too easy for me to leave SF, empty handed and frustrated. i am going to embrace the change fully and let it take its natural direction. like the saying goes, when it rain, it pours.
so, after the initial telephone conversatoin with my mom, we have been IMing each other on a pretty regular basis. this is absurdly weird to me because to go from no commuicaiton to daily reminders of my eating habits is a bit wacky. it’s all cool but so unexpected. which leads me to believe that my astrogical signs are aligning and i should embrace change with an open heart and mind. it sounds pretty senmential but my sappy self has been in hiberation for too long. it’s hard work to be so bitter all the time. anyway, i found out that my mother has been practicing buddhism on a deeper level. apparently she translates english articles about buddhism to vietnamese as well as write poety around the theme. i told my father about this and he said, that it was only a matter of time. i found it very interesting considering my own interest in the subject matter. as a matter of fact, it was actually really entertaining to debate with my mom about some of the finer points of the path. already, i am beginning to enjoy the return of the ying.