it is probably a by product of my child hood, the round peg that didn’t fit into any squares. ironically, i am sure many of us feel this way because we think we’re special or something funny like that. regardless, i don’t think it’s so much the social settings that really get to you so much. like when you’re working in a corporate office when deep inside, you know you don’t belong there. but it’s actually even deeper than that. say you find your social settings to be in congruent with your values. what happens then when you still feel like no one really understands you? supposedly, your soul mate is game for that sort of dance but let’s just say the ball isn’t really in your court right now. if anything i think the more outwardly success you are with your 3000 plus facebook friends the more awkward you feel about no one can really understand where you’re coming from. naturally a few very close friends walk very similar paths to you but they’re just far away enough from you. your own solace is words to yourself. because only you can decode the the bullshit that comes out of your mind. it is during these times when rock songs are sung and poetry is born. but not tonight. only a foul stream of bitterness against the lonesome night as your daughter sleeps peacefully in the bedroom. your favorite band is on shuffle. your favorite drug is on automatic transmission. your favorite dog is sleeping at your feet. the world is ripe for words about lonesome thoughts. you remind yourself it’s all just the course of life. this divorce, this being a single dad, this being close to 40 and feeling like you’ve being a self serving bastard for the last 40 years. you know at these are the passing clouds of a deluded mind but you can’t find entertain them for the evening. like an old friend that you can’t say no to. the record skips again. trying to find a new grove and we’re stuck with thousand year old patterns. sometimes you wish you were just ignorance of it all but you know that’s a lie too.