inside the matrix

i was at my multi tasking best this weekend while i watched the matrix with commentaries by cornel west and ken wilbur on one monitor and post process on the other. a friend had just forward an article to me from the nytimes about the fallacy of efficiency in a multitasking environment. it is not without irony that the more ‘efficient’ i feel the less spiritual i am. undoubtedly i have reach saturation on matters of productivity, if not significant diminishing returns. this i know yet i continue to caught in my habitual patterns. so the question becomes when is the breaking point or will i have the ability to change without destroying my own self respect. tonight when i was trying to communicate with my lover, my habitual patterns continue it’s ever so subtle strangle hold. in the third person, i saw myself get caught up in my patterns and although there were moments of possible new patterns, i ended up with the same results. anyway, while i was watching the trilogy this weekend, there was much much food for thought. almost too much to consider given my apparent lack of bandwidth but i know it’s been stored for processing at some point. the questions and answers are sinking in without my active processing but it is not without lost.

one of the most powerful themes of the trilogy is the relationship between neo and trinity, their love and the power that it invokes. it was pointed out that without trinity, Neo could have not really fulfill his role as the ‘one’. the irony of neo’s choice to succumb to lower case love (for trinity) is what makes him difference from all the previous capital One. it is a rather hard pill to swallow but it is not without merit. certainly we can make the right choice for the wrong reason but is it as bad as making the wrong choice for the right reason? i think i can only began to appreciate this conundrum in the context of my own intimate relationship. i had not previously thought/experience that i would be more spiritually motivated in the context of a relationship. not that  motivation has yet to translate to any meaningful action but the sheer appreciation of it within the context of love is insanely exciting. nevertheless, our spiritual shortcomings become readily more apparent in a sensitive relationship such as ours. if this is to be our great love, then we are both aware that it may be our great hurt as well. unfortunately, both of us are adept of protecting ourselves from hurt but i wager that our ability to protect ourselves will be our own undoing. undoubtedly we both fear the great love not only because of great hurt but i suspect the great responsibility of such love. the yardstick, although as much as we would like to throw away the yardstick, becomes longer due to the subtle ways of the ego. anyway, a question that continues to confound me and probably not a good question to entertain without considerable history, is the magnitude of love as ego driven exercise as it pertains to sacrifice in order to experience such great love. i fear this question not because i am not willing to make a sacrifice. more precisely, my ego fears it because it would warrant a massive deflation of it’s own value but obviously a good thing in the long run. and so is the heart of the internal conflict. the ego versus everything that tries to negate it.

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