endless to what end

i would like to think that by now i would be able to create more balance in my life. with her presence in my life it has been painfully more obvious that there isn’t balance. she points it out often on how distracted i am and i can’t exactly argue with her.

overall, i still feel like my life is not so out of whack but on a daily basis, i know i am not living a healthy lifetstyle. given that i am in control of my work, it’s ironic that i feel so out of control. i know i am can easily pull away from the work, esp when she’s around but it doesn’t mean that i am less distracted. the psychological shit i pull on myself is that i know that so many people have it so much ‘worse’. so i feel like i shouldn’t complain but it obviously still negatively effects me. the mental transformation that needs to take place is that  i must stop thinking within the first charka and move upwards. i was whining a bit today with chris and he totally understands the experience. the solution is i can’t expect her to transform this imbalance and i must take that responsbility into my own hand. the relationship will not solve the problem; the problem will just worsen in the relationship. praise the lord for his heavy hand.

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