completion?

things like this tend to happen when you least expect it. like falling in love and having kids. it’s not meant to be difficult (falling in love that is) so if you’re trying too hard, then maybe it’s not in the cards. so, it would make perfect sense that i would be married and have my 1.24 kid by now. that’s the first thing she asks me of course. it’s hardly surprising after 10 years of no communication that your parent would expect their eldest child to be quite on the way to marital bliss and parenting paradise. alas, i disappoint her only ever so slightly but i imagine she would forgive me.

 

shock would be the first word that would describe how i feel. great relief, reassuring awkwardness and uncertain happiness would be some of the other emotions that have paid me a visit. it seems such a minor thing to talk to my mother, but it’s heavy for me on different levels. it would be premature to have any sense of completion but at least i know that possibility is available to me. whereas, before this day, i could have been the shy coward that i’ve always dreamt of unbecoming. i think about my karma that has lead me to this moment in time where i have abandoned my family and rejected offers of friendship. it clearly confuses me when i live in an oxymornic existence of mutually cancelling self hatred and love. there were a lot of questions i wanted to ask her but i am going to let the communication barrier between us be my excuse. apparently she thought i should be somewhat verse in vietnamese because i had live in caliornia for such a long time. a little bastion of vietnamese culture that was the blunt of my jokes over past many years. she was eager to see what i look like and she even had a home page for me to browse. it was awkward to see my mother making web pages but she was always the resourceful sort. apparently she was still with the same man that i had always gutterally disliked. i think it was something that he said to me when i was in high school that stuck in my mind. when he said it to me, i had an instinctual feeling to not trust him at all. i think that would be the first big question i would love to hear her talk about. what did he promise her to abandon her family? what i do know is that i need to write her an extended letter of some sorts. i want her to understand me as much as i want to understand her. our family would be dysfunctional if it was possible but there’s such a huge disconnect between all of us. we have all led such separate lives and have made some really tough and uncomfortable decisions in regards to our family unit. but look at where we are each at and i can’t see off the bat that any of us are really unhappy for those choices. i didn’t sense any regret from her part. definitely a sense of excitement and happiness that we are able to even have a conversation. i feel quite fortunate that she called me as it had been my moral task to find her before i go vajra style.

 a friend recently turned 37 and we were talking about the life cycles that occur every 6-7 years. i would be close to the end of my 6th cycle now. the wheels of change have already commerenced for the 7th cycle will be a drastically different cycle from the sixth.

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