into the valley of death

i was suppose to keep a journal leading up to my vision quest and as usual, i am pretty unprepared for the entire experience. mentally, i am dreading going for many reasons but spiritually, i know i need it. i was suppose to do a medicine walk as well where i go from dawn until sunset wondering through the nature world and see what draws my attention. it made it to my calendar but it keep getting pushed and of course the day i scheduled it, it was pouring cats and dog. at this point, i am just going to roll with it.

while i was running today, i was trying to be mindful of my body and take it pretty slow. did a bunch of selfies and recorded some commentary for the hell of it. when i wasn’t mindful, i was thinking about how much healing/therapy i was getting these runs. and i remembered when i meditated outside at my last retreat and how much the experience made me yearn for more of it. point being is i am very much looking into meditating a lot in the valley of death. i am sure i will distract myself a bit with some photo taking and reading but i hope the starvation and meditating will lead me into unknown territories of myself. still, a theme of ‘focus’ has been swirling in my mind for the past month. it keeps popping up in a lot of different contexts and even the idea of living my genius is beginning to take hold. i am sure it’s all related somehow where i am still being held back by my own fears/habitual patterns and i am trying to break thru. of course, i wouldn’t dare to set some expectation that going on this experience would make any real difference in transcending to the next level but the thought has crossed my mind. still, i can’t help by think that these types of rites of passage are wonderful markers for stages of life. the intentionally of it and the entire mind, body and soul experience will leave a significant mark in my spirit. i guess my lack of confidence comes from having done many retreats previously and all ‘results’ are not that memorable for the most part. but i can’t deny that there is a growing confidence in what i am capable of ‘achieving’. it’s like i have already ‘achieved’ 80% of my life dream/goals and the last 20% is going to take something more than just smart effort. in so many of the contexts in which i experience life, i am very grateful for the level of experience that i have and yet i know there is ‘more’ for me to do/transcend/achieve. after 44 years of being on this earth, i am ready to give back more than i have taken and god grant me the strenght to do that!