questioning the path

i had dinner with a child hood friend the other night and he asked me if i would continue to work on orange for the rest of my life. i paused for a sec and said that i had question it a few years ago but now i am more or less set on it. to be honest, i wish i was that confident about it. on nights like this after surfing on the internet too much and see other photographer’s/artist body of work, i feel like i’ve been in the closet for the past 15 years. yes, i’ve been telling myself that i am building a business so i can do my art but at this point, i’ve grown too comfortable with the comforts with a ‘successful’ business. the fact that success is in quotes means it’s not really there ‘yet’. the question of yet is about if i could just do it part time and shift gear to doing a project that would spark my fire again. i am suspecting that in hindsight that if i had done this art project earlier in my path, the business may be in a better place. it’s all speculation at this point and what is and what can be. sadly, much of my ambition gets easily deflated by the thinking that at the end of the day, only the ego cares about it. yes, i get that it’s far better to do a project that helps others even though it’s driven by your ego than to just do work on something that serves only yourself. and so it’s a cycle of ambition and deflation just around the corner. hard to get anywhere with that type of attitude.