tail spin

have slowly been going into a tail spin of self deception. it’s a paradoxically interesting situation because even though i feel mentally and physically healthfully, i suspect source comes from my spiritual darkness. in the past year, i have risen to a level of excess of materialism. although i am not rich by bay area standards, i know that i am living in much abundance. i may not live in big house or try a fancy car but my attitude of money is what concerns me. i like personal clarity on the course of direction in my personal life. ask me what i need to do for the business and i can rattle it off with ease. on personal level, i flip between wanting to be in a relationship and denying it’s relevance in my life. it’s been interesting seeing someone on and off for the past several months and see my attitude towards relationship shift during that time. more recently, i decided that i wanted to try a relationship with someone on my ‘level’. i know that sounds obxnious but looking back through my relationships, with the exception of my first one, i never felt that my partnerships were on equal footing with me. part of me wants to believe that it’s not about ‘equal’ parternship and you can just love someone for who they are, not what they bring to the table. still, i can’t help thinking that building a long lasting relationships requires some resemble of equalness. certainly it is not about tit for tat but in the long run, power dynamic is a major force of influence in the health of the relationship. granted i understand that there can be healthly relationships where the power dynamic is not equal but healthy regardless. i am just saying i want to try out the flavor of equalness for a while to see how it plays out. regardless, i’ve decided that i do want to see a therapist about relationships in general. i am coming more curious about finding out how my past continues to shape me today.

i keep coming back to this idea that i want to enter a new chapter in my life. a chapter that isn’t about work anymore. yes, work will continue to be in background but i really want something else. maybe it should be my big buddhist project that i have been talking about for the past 10 years. what is going to push me to do it is the question. i am going to tell myself that after orange moves to oakland and i had my fun days in the RV, then it will be time to get serious about the other things. of course, i wouldn’t be surprise if i accidentally fall in love and everything gets sidetracked. i decided to stop seeing this woman because i was getting the feeling that i wanted to be in a relationship more than being with the “right” person. i don’t know what right is per say but my gut is telling me to read the signs early on and make better choices. even at work, after so many bad hires, i am beginning to look for signs much earlier in the relationship to know if things will work out. when you hire a good employee, it’s almost instantly that they prove themselves. i don’t know if it’s really approriarte to compare hiring employees to finding a partner but there are some similarities somewhere those processes. anyway, i am hoping in this next year with a lot of time in the woods by myself will bring more clarity.