loneliness

i was chatting with a pen pal of sorts earlier today and she was telling me about her challenges of being successful yet coming home to an empty home. i told her i know the feeling all too well, now and in my early thirties as well. still, the loneliness now is less suffocating than before. i wouldn’t say it sucks, it’s there and it bites me once or twice a month but for the most part i go on my daily life feeling pretty content. more or less having a more meaningful purpose being a father and thinking about how i can serve others through the vehicle that is the business. at this point in my success, i feel like i reach my plateau in terms of comfort. more success at this point is going to just be indulgent if i don’t start diverting that to karmic success to others. even now as i think back in my own materialism in the past year, i am slightly disgusted by my spending habits and it would get worse if i don’t shift my perspective. yes, one of my goals this year is to spend/buy less things in general but i still have to reign in my experiential materialism – ie, don’t get caught in achievement of the bucket list. anyway, i digress from why i think this round of loneliness is quite different than the previous round. since i have sort of fakingly given up on the whole online dating thing (once or twice i month i like to distract myself with shot in the dark with random people), i am getting steady more comfortable with being alone for the rest of my life. given that i tried to fill my last round of loneliness with marriage and an instant family, i am obviously weary of falling into the same situation. at this point, i am rationalizing to myself that this next one has to be the ONE, or i rather just be myself. why compromise any more when you’ve found contentment more or less. i get it that we experience more emotional highs and lows when we’re in a relationship but at what cost to our well being. i read a recent blog post recently about expanding the field of love beyond the self and i intellectually agreed with it but i knew that i wasn’t experientially wasn’t ready for it. still, i am very much open to the idea that expanding my circle of love beyond myself my eogish need seems like the right path. i understand it spiritually as an expression of compassion but adopting that expansive perspective on the more primal level requires more digestion of sorts.